


You're like a Rubik's Cube

by welcometothenewhigh



Category: The 100 (TV)
Genre: Angst with a Happy Ending, F/F, Friendship, Friendship/Love, More - Freeform, Will - Freeform, add
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2015-11-10
Updated: 2015-11-23
Packaged: 2018-05-01 01:24:52
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 7
Words: 30,065
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5186918
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/welcometothenewhigh/pseuds/welcometothenewhigh
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>It's Clarke's 18th birthday and she knows exactly what she wants: Lexa Heda. </p><p>To be her tattoo artist! Duh. </p><p>Au where a lot of things happen. Lexa has no confidence from a blood sucking ex-girlfriend, Clarke may or may not be her savior, if she can save herself first. Thank god for friends.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. I want to help but I don't know how

**Author's Note:**

> I've been working on this story for a couple days now and decided to just post it. Feedback would be awesome, suggestions, etc.

Today’s the day. October 16th, 2015. Clarke’s 18th birthday. After 17 years—only 12 of those being conscious of her waiting, she was finally considered a legal adult. The happy-go-lucky blonde hair, blue eyed girl had one proclamation in mind. Today, she is getting her first tattoo. The appointment has been in the books for well over six months. Clarke had chosen the best artist in Polis. As the clock counted down, she prepared herself for 1:00 o’clock.  
  
It was already 12:30 p.m. and Clarke had spent the good chunk of two hours getting herself ready. She’d been changing her outfit one after the other, until she finally decided not to dress like your typical ‘let me get a butterfly’ kind of girl. The blonde went with her favorite denim jeans, white (and paint splattered) converse topped by a red tank top and her dark blue leather jacket. Her hair fell in long, perfect waves and she felt good. Mostly good, there was also an enormous amount of butterflies and nerves floating around inside her.  
  
Clarke reasoned with herself honestly. The artist she chose was none other than Lexa Heda. A beautiful, tall, lithe brunette whom she’d only met once before. It was on the first day of high school and Clarke was your average, teary eyed, lost puppy type of freshman looking for her class when they’d met. Or when Clarke’s face met the back of the brunette, really. One second the blonde freshman was looking at the room numbers, ‘G114’ ‘G115’ –then suddenly she was slamming her head into someone’s shoulder in front of her as the latter came to an abrupt halt.  
  
The girl in question had whipped around, looking ready to annihilate her attacker. Clarke of course was just looking at her like a deer in headlights, tears beginning to pour from her blue eyes. The brunette didn’t even speak, just looked at her with her own gorgeous green eyes as Clarke stammered out apology after apology. Finally around her fifth ‘I’m really sorry’ with the girl still unabashedly staring at Clarke, another brunette with dark eyes stood between them, shoving Clarke back. The green eyed brunette hardly flinched as Clarke fell into the wall with even wider eyes and more tears as the other girl yelled at her to stay away from her girlfriend. The blonde stood mortified, hastily nodding as she ran off into the nearest classroom, which she thanked god for being the right room.  
  
Fast forward 3 years, Clarke was now the senior messing with young freshman. Not that she did, she actually ran one the freshman orientation squads called ‘Link Leaders’ that helps the freshies get around during the first year. Things had changed for the blonde after her first day. Being pushed down by and crying in front of two seniors had readily prepared her for the onslaught of high school. Her best friend Octavia hounded her for a long time about the incident, so in turn Clarke grew tough skin.  
  
Figuratively and literally speaking. She started the orientation squads as soon as she was a sophomore to better prepare future classes, then she also learned MMA after her first high school Halloween party had gone wrong. Let’s just say, Finn Collins was a senior who couldn’t handle his alcohol or handle rejection. Now, Clarke Griffin was a totally new person and she couldn’t wait to see a certain brunette she’d been thinking about since that day, so long ago. It was 12:45 p.m. when Clarke finally left the house, ready for this new gift to herself.  
  
***  
  
_‘Today is the day,’_ Lexa thought as soon as she awoke this morning. She’d been dreading this particular Saturday for half a year now. The artist had a tattoo appointment with Clarke Griffin today. The beautiful, terrified blonde she met a few years ago in school after being almost knocked over by her. The young freshman had managed to do in sixty seconds what her girlfriend of ten month’s couldn’t do; capture her heart. Lexa remembers clear as day looking into those teary, sky blue eyes and feeling her heart swell 10x in size for her. 1,143 days later and she hasn’t forgotten the sound of her voice. (Not that Lexa has been counting all this time, who does that…)  
  
The brunette was very confident in her tattooing abilities. Having mastered script, portraits, landscapes, greyscale, realist; you name it. She had no doubt she could handle the request for a flower patch and lyrics. When she got the call so many months ago, Clarke told her how much this tattoo means to her. Lexa could understand and very much appreciate the word and song choice. She only hoped maybe Clarke would share with her why it meant so much.  
  
Positively Polis Tattoos opens its door at exactly noon, but Lexa arrives every day by ten. The rest of the artists there, aka her best friend Anya, Monroe, Echo, Monty and Jasper are all rather nocturnal despite having to work in the daylight. If you asked Lexa, she’d agree and say that these guys are her friends, but in truth she’s nothing like them. The group of artists all come from the same area and grew up together. While Lexa did too, she mostly kept to herself besides Anya being her connection to other people. It wasn’t until high school when Lexa met the bunch of them in art class and they all bonded over their love for it. After senior year ended, Lexa and Anya bought the old building on Main Street, with an awesome two bedroom apartment above it and an empty studio below. While the girls put themselves through college they always had art shows or art nights downstairs that drew people from the town in, gathering clientele for when they finally opened up a shop.  
  
A few years later the freshly 21 year old artists did just that, deciding on an alliterative name for the place and hiring their closest friends. It was great and Lexa really did love coming to work more than anything. _Today_ though? Not so much. Her mind was feeling foggy as she managed to get herself to go downstairs in good time. :Leaving her blue tick coonhound, Samuel, upstairs with a bowl of food and a pile of blankets, as usual. Once Anya had moved out when the shop became more successful, Lexa adopted a puppy from the rescue to keep her company and every day that dog threatened Anya’s place on the pedestal. The tattoo template for Clarke’s design has been finished for months now, just eagerly awaiting the skin to apply it to. Lexa looked over it one more time as she sipped her coffee, imagining it will all go perfectly.  
  
***  
  
Clarke swung the door open to the shop at 12:58 p.m. She was met by a gloss black floor, purple and dark blue walls littered in print outs and paintings. It was well lit and it made the ambiance of the place feel homey. The sound of high powered tattoo guns filled the air and she felt her stomach bubble excitedly and nervously as she approached the front desk.  
  
Of course, Bellamy Blake sat behind it. Her best friend’s older brother and practically her own brother by default.  
“Bellamy! Oh my god I didn’t know this is the shop you work at!” She exclaimed, as the dark haired boy was already grinning and coming around the corner to hug her. He lifted her easily into his arms as she wrapped her own around his neck and hung for a brief second before dropping to her feet.  
  
“Clarke! What are you doing here? Isn’t today your birthday?” He was now leaning against his desk once more as he spoke to her with enthusiasm.  
  
“Yes! That’s why I’m here for a tattoo! I can’t believe O didn’t tell you. I’ve had this planned for so long.” She beamed. “I’m here for a 1:00 o’clock with Lexa Heda.” Clarke told him surely. His grin immediately turned devious at that.  
  
“Ohh you’re Lexa’s 6 month appointment huh?” He laughed heartily while shaking his head. “Clarke why would you call so early? She’s popular, you know being the owner here and all but 6 months is intense.” He kept laughing. Clarke knew he was joking but couldn’t help feeling unnerved about being laughed at, once again, over Lexa. She wanted to make a good impression this time around.  
  
“Bell shut up!” She scolded him half-playfully. “I just wanted to be sure I got her. I mean—that she was mine—shit—that she was my artist! Because she’s good. You know?” She ended in a defeated tone, knowing she’d just given him ammunition.  
  
“Yeah princess I get it. I think we both do.” He smiled, gesturing behind her. The blonde whipped around and met Lexa’s tantalizing, amused eyes from where she stood leaning on a doorway. ‘Fucking hell’ Clarke thought. Her throat suddenly dry as she looked at the girl she’d been thinking about daily for so long but hadn’t seen in years.  
  
Nothing could have prepared her for the sight in front of her. The intensity of Lexa’s green eyes still froze Clarke. The girl wore a grey cami, a black and white flannel pulled to her forearms, over pitch black skinny jeans and combat boots. What really stunned Clarke the most was Lexa’s totally loose, wild brown hair and glasses perched on her nose. She was completely entranced as Lexa just grinned shyly.  
  
“Princess? You good there?” Bellamy asked teasingly and waved a hand in front of her face. She quickly shook her head and finally tore her eyes from a now pink Lexa.  
  
“Yeah yup, I’m good.” Biting her lip. “It’s time for my tattoo.” She smiled, looking again to Lexa who leaned off the doorway in time for the remark.  
  
“Yes, come with me.” The brunette said gently, extending her hand; eyes never leaving Clarke’s. The blonde strode forward beaming at her and accepted the offered hand, earning a grin. Her voice echoed in Clarke’s ears as they walked to a backroom. She never got to hear it, since after their first meeting Clarke somehow never saw her around. She never would have guessed it was so soft and sweet.  
  
As they rounded the corner into Lexa’s own tattoo space, the brunette dropped her hand and Clarke almost pouted at the loss. She turned to the walls, hiding her frown and lit up once again at what she saw. Every inch of the wall was covered in vinyl paintings, abstract drawings, sketches, 3D sculptures hanging from the ceiling. It was so colorful and beautiful it made her stare in awe.  
  
“Are these—these are all yours? They’re so amazing.” Clarke gaped, looking back finally to Lexa who was sat stoic faced in her stool, watching her. She swallowed thickly, afraid the girl in front of her remembers her for being the crying freshman idiot years ago. It made her feel sad to realize there was a good chance nothing would actually come from this other than her getting a tattoo. She’d come here today in hopes of asking Lexa out now that she was finally 18 and the girl wouldn’t get in trouble. _How could she have not even thought about whether Lexa would say yes? Why would she?_ These thoughts ran through her mind within seconds, changing her face from happiness and awe to something of dread.  
  
“Thank you. Yes, they’re mine. By the way,” the brunette said, rising to cross the room and stand in front of Clarke as she put out her hand once more. “I’m Lexa. For the sake of formal introductions.” Leaving Clarke to flounder for air at the new proximity and _god why does she smell like roses?_ The blonde thought urgently, trying to find words. She’s supposed to say something back. _Come on, Clarke!_ She reached forward and took the hand eagerly, happy to feel the softness again.  
  
“Y-yes, right. Lexa. I’m Clarke. It’s nice to finally meet you. I mean, well we talked on the phone but we met a while ago too...” She finished. _Fuck. After 3 years of a new you, you’re going to back to being a stuttering fool._ Clarke huffed at her inner conflict and pulled her hand back before she refused to let go again.  
  
“I know Clarke. Trust me, I remember.” Lexa smirked, making Clarke beat red as she played with her hair nervously.  
  
“God—I can’t imagine what you must have thought of me. It really was an accident, I’m wicked clumsy.” She rubbed her neck awkwardly. Lexa just smiled at her kindly, still stood in front of her. The distance was comfortable now and Clarke wanted to be even closer despite herself.  
  
“Well at first I thought you were a no good freshman, but then I saw you were crying—”  
  
“Ok ok, I really don’t want to know Lexa.” Clarke tried laughing, but it came out as more a breathy exhale. “I’ve honestly thought about it for way too long. One thing though, I hope your girlfriend doesn’t still hate me?” Her tone going up at the end, feigning innocence. Clarke was just trying to see if she was still taken, not that she’d be surprised but then Lexa backed away quickly after clenching her jaw at the question.  
  
“I wouldn’t know. She and I broke up that day.” The artist said flatly, as if that wasn’t a declaration of _something._ Clarke’s breath caught hearing the news. Lexa turned back, as if contemplating her own words. “Clarke, I was going to say I saw you were different when I looked at your eyes. You weren’t just a scared freshman to me.” Then she turned away, not giving Clarke a chance to answer as she began setting up the machine.  
  
Around 1:10 p.m. Clarke found herself in the chair, rearing to go.  
“Okay I’m going to put the stencil on. I’ve had it made up for a while,” she grinned at Clarke, making her heart skip a beat. “So, since you want it on your ribs I’m going to need you to take off your shirt or pull it up as much as possible. Whatever works for you, ok Clarke?” The click of her name on Lexa’s tongue made her shiver, then she remembered she was just told to fix her shirt and she swallowed as she decided to simply take it off.  
  
“Oh right. Well I’ll just remove it so nothing gets in the way.” Clarke said, finding the hem of her shirt with her fingers and tugging it over her hips then breasts and finally off. She did it slightly with the intention of showing off, because hell, she has a nice body. With the help of MMA and not eating like the high school student she is, she’s well fit. Her arms are toned, her abs are refined on top of a flat stomach, her legs are perfectly in shape for her butt and her chest is the best feature. She smirked as she caught Lexa devouring her in her simple black bra. “Lexa? Eyes up here.” She giggled.  
  
The brunette flushed quickly, diverting her eyes to the floor as she became appalled at herself. “Uhh you have my sincerest apology. That was unprofessional,” She finally glanced up at Clarke and the blonde was taken aback by how sincerely guilty she looked. “I’m sorry.” The utter lack of confidence threw Clarke off completely. A girl like Lexa should just own up to checking someone out and play it off, not tear herself up over something so minute. Clarke’s heart hurt for her. Something had changed in Lexa now that she noticed. When she saw the girl in school she walked with such righteousness nobody would dare mess with her, but now it seemed like Lexa would crumble if she was poked the right way.  
  
“Oh no chill, I was kidding it’s totally fine. Let’s get started?” She smiled, trying to make Lexa feel light again.  
  
“Alright.” The brunette replied and gave her a grateful smile. Lexa leaned over tentatively as she pressed the template on and rubbed a stick of clear deodorant over the design so the adhesive in the ink would take to her skin. A few seconds after the artist peeled it off carefully, revealing Clarke’s gorgeous bouquet, encircled by lyrics. “Ready Clarke? I just want you to know, ribs hurt. I’m not going to sugar coat it, so let me know where you are on a pain level in a second.” Lexa smiled bigger now, making Clarke grin at its beauty and its return. She could tell the artist loved her job.  
  
“I’m good, go ahead.” Clarke beamed. The gun then lowered to her ribs and Lexa shot her one last smile before focusing. As soon as she felt the needle dip in her skin she shivered and smiled big. A low moan escaped her lips, surprising herself and Lexa-who pulled back the gun and was looking at her with wide eyes. Clarke immediately looked down before meeting the girl’s eyes sheepishly and shrugging with a grin. “Wow—umm—sorry, it kind of feels good I think.” Clarke smiled bigger at the small blush that crawled up Lexa’s neck and cheeks as the brunette laughed in response.  
  
“Wow for sure, but that’s okay. It’s different for everyone.” Lexa shrugged casually and motioned with the gun. “Ready again? We can ignore any funny business.” She smirked. Clarke nodded, eager to move past this moment and watched as Lexa furrowed her brow in concentration and began tattooing again. The absolute hot, sharp feeling and sting dug into her bones and Clarke found herself smiling again as the tattoo took shape. She looked at Lexa as she concentrated and couldn’t help but think she was beautiful in her element. This tattoo would fly by she realized, knowing how good Lexa was. That made her want to start a conversation with the girl. If it was her only chance to be around her she’d take it. Running through conversations in her head she hardly noticed the time go by before Lexa broke the silence first.  
“How are you doing, Clarke?” She whipped her head at Lexa, surprised the girl spoke before she did. It had been half an hour already.  
  
“Honestly it’s awesome. It hurts but I love the pain because I know it’ll be worth it in the end.” She finishes, grinning a little as Lexa glanced at her with regarding eyes, nodding. Clarke felt comfortable in her company, which was good considering she’s shirtless in front of her. That thought made her bite her lip to suppress a laugh, causing Lexa to lift a brow but nod anyway.  
  
“I agree. I think the pain is like a test. If you can tolerate the absolute ache of it, you can do anything.” The brunette blushed at her own words, giving Clarke the vague feeling they weren’t just talking about tattoos anymore. Clarke smirked at Lexa as she hit a sensitive spot, then another and the blonde immediately let out a short, high pitched moan rather than flinching. She laughed at herself, having gotten used to this being her reaction to the pain and then laughed harder at Lexa’s now deepening blush.  
  
“Something the matter, Lexa?” She teased the artist, who pulled back the gun again until Clarke was ready. Lexa looked into Clarke’s eyes and the blonde swallowed thickly upon seeing the girl’s dilated pupils.  
  
“I don’t think so.” Lexa answered in a soft tone. Clarke was amused at the dismissal, looking back to the gun ready.  
  
“Then let’s do this.” She grinned again.  
  
After about an hour &a half of stealing glances and making small talk with the girl who fascinated her so much, the outline of her flowers were filled in line by line. It was practically finished and yes—Clarke continued to moan at the sensations. She decided now was as good a time as any to ask Lexa the question she’d been thinking about all afternoon.  
  
“Lexa?” She inquired, leaning her head towards the beautiful brunette who had put her hair into a loose bun and tied her flannel around her waist by this point. The artist hummed her response and Clarke shot a small smile to the ground at its cuteness. “Will you tell me why you and your girlfriend broke up that day?” The gun paused and Clarke dared to look at her. Lexa put the gun down carefully, reaching for a water bottle and putting one in front of Clarke as well as she took a long sip. Clarke took the water and drank it back too.  
  
As much as she enjoyed the pain, she was beginning to feel cold and shaky. A shiver ran down her spine and Lexa quickly stood to drape her flannel over Clarke’s shoulders. Unfortunately for her though, now Clarke was sat in front of her; wearing only a bra and her own flannel, blonde hair framing the look nicely. She smirked as Lexa gulped, trailing eyes over her body again. Clarke cleared her throat and reigned in Lexa’s attention. “So, Costia?” She asked softly, hoping for an answer this time. Lexa visibly shuddered at the name as her jaw clenched hard and she looked to the floor.  
  
Clarke was confused by her actions. _Ok, it was obviously a sore subject, but why does Lexa look scared? Why was she so unsure of herself and lacking confidence and what the fuck did that girl to do her?!_ Clarke fumed in her mind, unable to understand why Lexa became so small when her ex-girlfriend was the subject of conversation. She waited a few long seconds until it became apparent Lexa wasn’t about to look up and talk to her; too stuck in her own thoughts. So Clarke stood in front of the taller girl, gently taking her chin in her hand to meet her eyes.  
  
“Lexa… what did she do to you?” Clarke asked in a little voice as she hugged around the artists waist, careful to keep the flannel in place so Lexa wouldn’t feel awkward pressed against her skin. A couple minutes later the brunette inhaled deeply, still in Clarke’s embrace before she realized what was happening and pulled away. Clarke couldn’t help but miss her warmth, deciding to rip the band aid off before she got too comfortable. She let the flannel fall from her shoulders in a smooth action and placed it around Lexa’s, then reached for her own tank top. It felt cold on her skin and her newly tatted ribs, but she pulled her leather coat over it anyway. The tattoo was no longer a priority to finish at this moment.  
  
Lexa was sat on her stool, eyes vacant as Clarke finished dressing. The blonde kneeled in front of her, trying to meet her pretty green eyes before giving up and just taking her face gently in both hands now.  
“I’m going to be here for you when you need to break. I’ve been waiting for you for 3 years, Lexa.” She leaned in hesitantly and kissed the corner of the brunette’s mouth, wishing she could just kiss her lips like she’s dreamt of. She let her face go as she stood and walked to the doorway. “I’ll call soon to set up another appointment. I’m sorry I upset you.” And she left.  
  
“You’re leaving princess? How’d the tat go?” Bellamy questioned just before she made it out the door. She feigned sick as she answered.  
  
“It’s totally awesome, we got a lot done but I’m feeling kind of lame now. I’ll call for a follow up soon. Come over tonight for my birthday bash too! Oh—” Clarke turned on her heel and bolted back to Lexa’s room, leaving a confused Bellamy in her wake. She peeked around the corner, unsure what she’d see when she was met by the same sight of the brunette slumped in her stool.  
  
“Um Lexa? I’d like you to come to my birthday party tonight, if you want. I just want you to know you’re invited.” The brunette nodded without looking up so Clarke just left again, this time making it out the door to her car without any distractions.  
  
She really hoped Lexa would come, even if she wholly doubted the likelihood of it. She pulled up her shirt to get a look at the almost finished tattoo and smiled when she saw the perfect flowers. Clarke curses herself for upsetting Lexa, but she didn’t mean to. It was an honest question. Now it was up to her to figure out how and why she’s so broken.


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Lexa can solve a rubik's cube in 2 1/2 minutes. You're not impressed? Well fuck you. Clarke will be. If she can get her act together now.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is the rest of the chapter I have so far. I have a vague idea of where to go with it but ideas would be helpful.

_Fuck me_ Lexa thought to herself as she sat on her work stool. She wanted to feel humiliated but Clarke had been so kind. The girl didn’t judge her for her obvious issue over her ex-girlfriend which she was thankful for. How could she possibly begin to explain to Clarke Griffin that she was mentally abused by Costia every day of their relationship? How could she tell her that whenever she sees her own reflection she wants to cry and smash it? Or that the mere mention of Costia’s named drives knives through her heart, making her feel worthless, inferior, undeserving and horrible like the girl always said she was? Costia may have loved her in the beginning of the ten months but her possessiveness quickly turned into paranoia and fear of Lexa leaving. That was when she began berating Lexa on the smallest things, from her outfits to the faces she makes when laughing or the sound of her voice in the morning. Everything Lexa was, Costia belittled in order to make her stay. She forced Lexa to think nothing of herself so she wouldn’t find someone to treat her better. So, how could she tell Clarke Griffin all that? She won’t.  
  
It didn’t matter if Lexa waited 3 years for her too. If Lexa ever let Clarke in, she’d be ruined. There would be no escape from the hellish existence of having had such a beautiful creature in her grasp and then losing her. Lexa wouldn’t ever recover, so in turn, she wouldn’t let her get close. She’d simply close off her heart like she was so good at. A perfectly good plan. The blonde had already sent shockwaves through Lexa with that corner mouth kiss—never mind seeing her in her bra too. Lexa swooned every time a moan escaped the girl’s lips from enjoying the sting of the tattoo. All that was a recipe for disaster and Lexa vowed to avoid the pain this time around.  
  
Lexa held her head in her hands a few seconds longer and sighed. She knew already she wasn’t going to the party. There wasn’t a bone in her body that wanted to see Clarke getting grinded on, drinking with her friends and enjoying herself when Lexa would probably be confined to a corner, feeling like she was intruding on the girl’s special day. No—instead Lexa would simply head home and watch Netflix for the night with Samuel.  
  
It wasn’t that Lexa didn’t truly, somewhere deep down in her heart ache to tell Clarke about Costia and explain her weird behavior, then maybe even get to be friends with the blonde but Clarke was just too good for someone like her. Lexa was an ending, the means of destruction. She was undeserving and worthless, gross and pathetic in the eyes of all others. Clarke was the opposite. Everyone wanted to know Clarke Griffin, and Lexa refused to taint her. 3 years be dammed.  
  
The brunette finally gets up and leaves her space, nodding to her friends as she passes and heads to the front to check with Bellamy on her next apt.  
“Hey Blake. Do I still have a 6 o’clock?”  
  
“Yeah, since Clarke had to go you probably have time to take a walk in. We have a rose and a couple lyrics waiting. Or you could leave and come back, boss.” He replied simply while working way too hard on a Rubik’s cube. Lexa couldn’t help but laugh at the sight.  
  
“Okay cool. I call dibs on the rose. Would you give me that—” Lexa laughed, grabbing the cube from his fumbling hands.  
  
“What-” He started, pausing his sentence as Lexa began actually solving it. Lexa just smiled at his dropped jaw as she twisted and spun the blocks. Within two minutes she had each side figured out except the panel of color. A few more slides and turns, the green side is complete and the cube was perfectly solved in her hands.  
  
“It’s all algorithms, Blake.” She smiled and tossed it back.  
  
“Damn Heda. Not bad. Maybe Clarke didn’t choose so bad after all.” Bellamy quipped to a now confused Lexa.  
  
“My tattooing skills and ability to solve a Rubik’s cube are of no comparison though.” She stated and the boy shook his head.  
  
“Not exactly what I meant but ok. You’ll see tonight, don’t worry.” He said with a devious grin and Lexa was still perplexed. “Clarke’s party? It’s gonna be epic.” That put a sour taste in her mouth, thinking about Bellamy being all comfortable and close to Clarke.  
  
“Oh yeah, well you have fun! I’m not going.” Lexa said casually as she picked up a clipboard to check for apts.  
  
“What do you mean you’re not going? Clarke will be devastated.” Bellamy said in a serious tone, causing Lexa to look at him with a quirked brow.  
  
“Uh—I think she’ll be fine Blake. I hardly know her. Anyway I have things to do, it’s Saturday.”  
  
“Lexa who cares? This girl is my little sister’s best friend. I’m not going to let you ruin her birthday by pretending you’re too busy to show up for an hour.” He answered quickly, hardly giving her a reprieve. Lexa scoffed at his accusation and his tone for scolding her. _How dare he?_  
  
“What the fuck? You don’t know anything about me first of all. I have an animal to take care of and shit to get done. Do you understand? Second, I would ruin her birthday just by being there, Blake! I literally don’t know the girl. I’m tattooing her and I’d like to keep it professional. Now if you’d like to keep your job you better leave this alone.” Lexa’s cold voice ordered to a frowning Bellamy.  
  
“Maybe I _don’t_ know why she chose you, but for your sake I hope you let her in. You need some fucking happiness, Heda.” He said quietly, sitting down at his desk avoiding her burning eyes. Lexa swallowed down her anger and put her stoic mask back on as she walked up to a girl in the waiting room.  
  
“Hi, you want the rose done? I can take you if you’d like. My name is Lexa Heda-we can have a look at my portfolio.” She said as she opened the book and sat with the girl. Sure enough the rose took up a couple hours and the customer, whose name she learned was Harper, actually asked her to get dinner after. Lexa probably would have said yes, needing the distraction, if she didn’t have a 6 o’clock, thus she had to turn her down and wait for said appointment. When 6:15 p.m. came she had a gut feeling the person blew her off. Lexa hated when people did that, wishing instead they’d just wimp out and cancel so she could get on with her life.  
  
She was the last one in the shop, as usual, when 7:00 p.m. came and she accepted she’d been stood up. Bellamy was the last to go, leaving her with one last push to go to Clarke’s. Reading the clock at 7:02 p.m. she probably could go to Clarke’s and still be early, not that she was going to go-but she could keep the invite open in her head.  
  
It made her feel better to think she had somewhere she could go as she shut off the lights and locked up, pretending maybe she could be normal for a night and enjoy herself. That thought was quickly let go of as she took the stairs to her apartment, hearing Samuel’s happy barks. The pair found themselves fast asleep on the couch in no time, watching episodes of That 70s Show.  
  
***  
  
Clarke’s party was a fucking rager. There were beer kegs and liquor bottles everywhere, every hand had a drink and the music was just a little too loud. That--is a successful party. The one missing element of this night for Clarke is Lexa. The pretty, shy tattoo artist never showed up. Bellamy even came and brought her a present, but no matter what, the best present would’ve been to see her crush. Especially because in her current drunken, unabashed state she’s her most confident. Octavia and Raven had provided a steady supply of drinks.  
  
As in every time she put a cup down, another was there to fill it’s place. After hours of dancing and smiling at all her friends Clarke has resigned herself to laying in the grass in her backyard, staring up at the sky talking to her dad. She never wanted to live a birthday without him, but she’s had 5 now. Every year it gets harder, even when it shouldn’t. It’s another year of memories she can’t share with him and it’s just so unfair.  
  
Her mind finds itself wandering back to a certain girl. In reality it’s a little crazy to have a crush on someone whom you barely know, but she thought Lexa was different too. Just like the girl told her she’d saw Clarke was different, Clarke saw Lexa was. She was more. Someone like Lexa deserved everything this world could give, happiness, success and anything in between. For a beautiful person such as her, Clarke felt lucky to even be able to know her. It was obvious Lexa didn’t care for Clarke like she did for her. If turning down an invite to her birthday, after Clarke practically kissed her and confessed to have been waiting for her for the last 3 years, was anything to go by. It came as no surprise--a 21 year old with their own business had no reason to bother with a freshly turned 18 year old still in high school. That didn’t make it hurt less though.  
  
In her addled mind and sober mind, Lexa was a queen and force to be reckoned with only at her best. She wouldn’t bug the girl now, but she would call her tomorrow and plan another tattoo session. Clarke could be neutral, it couldn’t be the hardest thing ever. The hardest thing ever was going to be having to pretend it didn’t hurt to be rejected by her dream girl, then have said dream girl continue to tattoo her for the next few weeks. _Perhaps she could hold out until the pain was unbearable next session… then it would be done faster and she could let Lexa go back to her life. Yes. That’s the plan._ She lay in the dampening cool grass and the night air breezes across her skin. Clarke wonders where her phone is but honestly it’s probably gone. The yard is littered with red solo cups and glow sticks. Inside the house is even worse. If she leaves it overnight for Abby to come home to after a shift at the hospital… well let’s just say she definitely couldn’t get tattooed on her ribs for a while.  
  
Heaving herself up she starts at a leisurely pace, trying to concentrate on picking up every piece and simultaneously not throw up in the process. She makes it through the yard before she’s feeling really sluggish, going inside for a cup of water which she drinks in seconds. Quickly now, with some energy in her system and the clock reading 2:14 a.m. she runs around the house cleaning the best she can. Luckily the basement had been closed off or usually there’d be an odd number of discarded undergarments. Thankfully the bedrooms too. The last place she’s yet to clean is the kitchen, the real culprit. As she’s wiping down the counter finally, after having collected the fallen cups inside the house, she hears the front door open.  
  
“Clarke Griffin!” a shrill voice is heard, echoing throughout the now empty house. Clarke freezes, knowing well enough that even though it’s mostly clean it’s obvious what happened. That and the smell of alcohol and weed still linger in the air. Great. She’s in for it now. She hurries to shove the full garbage bin out the back door and glances around the room. It’s perfectly acceptable, but Clarke isn’t… “What the hell happened to you?” Her mother barks at her.  
  
“I--nothing mom. I had friends over for my party tonight, it wasn’t too crazy but we still had fun.” Clarke explained quickly, hoping that would excuse her disheveled hair and blown pupil appearance. Then-- _smack!_ Right on her cheek, a burning and fast slap that enflamed her skin with the heat of her mom’s hand.  
  
“You’re such a child. You’re eighteen now, an adult. Don’t you want me to treat you as such?” She asked in a menacing tone as Clarke held her face.  
  
“Yes mom of course. I told you I was having a party though and I’m trying to clean everything up.” Clarke tried desperately for her mom to see reason because she could see the vein in Abby’s forehead protruding, waiting for Clarke to say something dumb so she could snap.  
  
“I never approved of a party young lady! I would’ve expected you used the day to get your act together and could present a plan to me tonight. But this? Coming home to a drunken mess, my house is a pig sty, I’m fucking exhausted and I have to deal with you as if you’re still 5 years old.” Her voice was getting higher and deeper, Clarke’s fear sinking in as her frame shrunk into a small shell.  
  
“I’m sorry mom. I’ll make a plan. I’ll present it to you tomorrow if you’ll just let me—” Then she snapped and Abby’s face turned blood red. Clarke had done it now. _Asking for something from her? Fuck Clarke, you should’ve known._  
  
“You know what? No--I don’t have to deal with you actually. You’re an adult. You can get the hell out.” Abby said with a flick of her wrist, turning on her heel and sighing in relief like she just solved the cure to cancer. Clarke couldn’t believe what she was hearing, _there was no way she just kicked me out…_  
  
“What? You’re kicking me out?! Fuck-wait-” She was scared, chasing her mom on her heel looking for answers. “Please stop, please mom. Can’t we talk? Let me start paying rent, let me do something--” Abby whipped around, shoving Clarke into the wall and holding her throat in cold hands.  
  
“I don’t need or want anything from you. Collect your things and be gone by the morning. That’s the end of it.” Her voice was final, full of cold hatred. It hurt Clarke deeper than she could’ve believed. Her mom and she always got along but ever since Jake died when Clarke was thirteen, it was like she was just an extension of him. Abby couldn’t stand her anymore, that’s one of the reason all she does is work, but now--now she was screwed.  
  
Clarke paces in her room for the next hour, crying and throwing bags together and collecting things she needs. She calls everyone she knows but at 3:30 in the morning on the night of her party--there was nobody around to answer her. She gathers what she can bring for a few nights and leaves the house at 6:00 a.m. for Raven’s. Clarke knows Raven wouldn’t turn her down but it’s still embarrassing. This was her absolutely needing to rely on her friends for a place to stay and god did she feel like such a burden. She hadn’t even been homeless for more than six hours but she felt utterly ashamed already. The blonde makes it to her best friends and the sun is barely awake. The time is so early she’s sure to get an earful but it’s her only option. No sleep, food or energy surely had Clarke looking like a zombie as she rung the door.  
  
Minutes later the door opened an inch, a dark eyed, glaring Raven met her face.  
“Clarke. You have one minute to explain what you’re doing here.” And sure enough, her minute went by and Raven welcomed Clarke with open arms and a couple memorable swears about her mother too. The girl couldn’t believe what Abby did, Clarke either as she finally had a minute to take in what happened. She was homeless, kicked out of her own home on her 18th birthday and sure she had her friends, she had a job, she had school and a car, her own money to support herself… but she was alone now. Her last parent pushed her from the nest and it broke Clarke’s heart, shattering the already fragile pieces.  
  
Hours ago once the two fell asleep, cuddling each other in a heap of limbs on the couch, Clarke woke to her phone vibrating with messages. Her heart sunk as she opened one from Abby, sent a minute ago and was a full paragraph of hatred and vile words towards the blonde. Clarke felt sick reading that she was officially kicked out, all of her things had been thrown in the front yard and she had to get it all by the end of the day or else it’d all be burned. She decided to leave Raven a note, explaining that she was borrowing her truck to go pick up a U-Haul, then bringing her stuff back to her house to sit in the truck as Clarke found an apartment to rent.  
  
Clarke got a text from Raven at noon, as she was piling the last of her stuff into a small U-Haul truck.  
**Raven (12:01 p.m.) You are not renting an apartment Clarke. You’re staying with me until your bitch of a mom gets her shit together.**  
She was happy Raven offered her that, but there was no way she could just move in with her and not feel like a complete loser for being homeless. The blonde typed out a quick text to her friend, thanking her but declining and said she’d be back soon with her stuff and lunch. Soon enough the girls were laying on the couch once more, Clarke a red-eyed mess from explaining everything to Raven in the light of day.  
  
“I just—I don’t understand how she can hate me so much? Ray what have I ever done? My dad died, that wasn’t my fault but she still hates me.” Clarke sobbed in her friends arms as the girl played with Clarke’s hair and sighed.  
  
“Fuck if I know Clarke. You’re the best daughter that woman could ask for, she doesn’t even deserve you to stay with her. You’re better off with me.” Raven insisted on Clarke moving in, but each time the blonde refused.  
  
“I can’t Raven, I won’t. I’m not making you and your mom open your doors for me because my own mom hates everything about me. I’ll find an apartment, there’s tons in Polis. I’ll still go to school and work, I’ll just be working more I guess.” She said with a sigh, feeling exhausted from the energy she’d put out already for it being only 1 in the afternoon on a Sunday.  
  
“I know you’ll be okay but you shouldn’t have to be doing this.” Raven tried again.  
  
“Listen, I know that too but I don’t have a choice. Some kids get kicked out at 18, I’m one of them.” That ended the conversation, both girls left feeling dejected. “I’m going to take a nap, then call the tattoo shop and cancel my upcoming appointments. There’s no way I can be spending money on ink now.” Clarke said sadly. Mostly upset about having to tell Lexa she couldn’t come in anymore, she fell asleep quickly in slumber.


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A certain ex-girlfriend makes an appearance. Lexa falls victim but won't go down without a fight. Clarke can't help her anger, but she can help Lexa.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TRIGGER warning please be aware that yes, there is rape in this chapter but I do NOT go into detail. Fuck that. Fuck Costia.  
> Note that I wasn't planning on making Bellamy and Lexa fight, but it turned out that way.  
> Also why did I make Clarke a health guru? Now I have to look up fancy foods. 
> 
> hope it's okay.

The blonde woke up again around 5:30 p.m., stomach grumbling for food as she realized the only thing she’s eaten in the past day was subway at lunch and pure alcohol the night before. She was feeling groggy and grumpy as she came downstairs, eager to throw some food together. Raven was in the garage she could hear, working on her truck or putting something together loudly. Clarke made herself busy in the kitchen making dinner for the two of them, since Raven’s mom wouldn’t be home until late at night. It wasn’t uncommon for Raven to be home alone, which was honestly another reason Clarke didn’t want to stay in her house with her.  
  
Clarke loved her friend, really, but being alone in another house wouldn’t do anyone any good. Maybe Raven could rent an apartment with her, then they could start their lives away from home finally. Finish school in June, go on that road trip they’ve been talking about since middle school. There were so many options and places to go and things to do, she felt excited thinking about the possibilities for once. Rather than everything she’s losing, she’ll get new experiences. Jake wouldn’t have kicked her out, as much as it hurts to think about him. He’d be livid with Abby for how she’s treated Clarke since his death.  
  
The oven beeps, signaling it’s ready for the home made pizza she made. Raven’s mom always has so much dough in the freezer because that’s all Raven eats. She makes all kinds of pizza, so tonight it was Clarke’s turn. The pizza she made is called _‘Eggplant du Bufala’_ definitely a healthy choice but Clarke loved healthy. It had mozzarella, roasted eggplant, sliced cherry tomatoes, sea salt and rosemary. As she stuck it in the oven her stomach grumbled louder and she decided to snack on a tangerine.  
  
With the clock counting down ever so slowly and Raven welding away in the garage, Clarke figured it’d be a good time to call the shop. That is if they were even open at 6 p.m. on a Sunday. She took out her phone and googled Positively Polis Tattoos, sighing in relief when the hours said they closed at 7 on Sundays. She dialed the number and waited, butterflies in her stomach.  
  
“Hello, Positively Polis Tattoos.” She recognized Bell’s voice and smiled.  
  
“Hi Bellamy, its Clarke.”  
  
“Clarke hey! You calling to set up another appointment already? Your party yesterday was sick, by the way. I don’t even remember getting home.” He laughed on the other line, causing Clarke to think of everything once more and feel sad.  
  
“Oh yeah, I’m glad you had fun. It started out great but eh. Anyway no I’m calling because actually I won’t be able to come in for a while… I had some trouble at home last night and yeah, so I just want you guys to know that.” Clarke ended in a quiet voice. She was thankful Lexa didn’t answer.  
  
“Shit Clarke. What happened? That’s okay. You should talk to Lexa though and let her know, I can go get her.”  
  
“No! Don’t get her! I mean, there’s no need to annoy her with me. I already feel like a joke for asking her to show up yesterday, but I’m glad she didn’t anyways. I had a fight with my mom though. I have to find an apartment to rent, blah blah. I’m staying with Raven for now.” Clarke replied as nonchalantly as possible, knowing Bellamy was about to go haywire and offer she come stay with him and O.  
  
“You can stay with Octavia and me. Why wouldn’t you ask us? You know Raven’s mom is never around. What’s the difference being there and being at home? And Clarke, Lexa would want to know what’s going on, but I’ll leave that to you.”  
  
“Yeah trust me I know that. The difference is though Bell, my mom can’t beat me for just existing if I’m not home. I’m not living with any of you guys, I’m sorry but it’s my time to figure out what to do for myself. Please let Lexa know I’m sorry to cancel on her. I’ll come in in a few months maybe. See you soon Bellamy.” And Clarke hung up before he could rant again. She sighed heavily and let her phone drop to the counter as she rubbed her temples. The clock read 10 minutes left and dropping so she pulled out Raven’s laptop to begin an apartment search in the meantime.  
  
Later that night Raven and Clarke are situated in the brunette’s bed, talking about the future.  
“Ray? I was thinking we should go on that road trip after school ends. Before we all go off to college, you know?”  
  
“Ohh I’m so down. I’ve been planning that shit for years, I got this. I know exactly how much gas money we need, where we need to stop. Let’s make a date and do it blondie.” Raven said happily. Clarke was grateful Raven was being so helpful, instead of forcing her to stay in Polis and fix things with her mom. She wasn’t sure if she’d ever bother forgiving Abby. There was no point. The woman stopped being a mother to her years ago and now if Clarke is free of her, she won’t feel the guilt to go to college for pre-med and become a doctor, or follow in her father’s footsteps and be an engineer. Clarke finally had her own path to make and she wasn’t about to let the chance go. The girls fell asleep after making a faraway plan, giving them each something to look forward to. (Besides going back to school in the morning.)  
  
***  
  
Lexa could hear Bellamy on the phone from the other room, talking in a cheery voice. As soon as she heard ‘Clarke’ leave his mouth she found herself standing and walking closer to listen in. She heard something like, _‘let her know, I can go get her’_ then _‘you can stay with Octavia and me’_ and she realized she shouldn’t be eavesdropping so she went back to her space. Minutes later Bellamy appeared in her doorway, looking at her with sad eyes.  
  
“Are you good Blake?” Lexa asked in a quiet voice. It wasn’t often Bellamy appeared sullen.  
  
“Yeah. No. It doesn’t matter. Clarke won’t be coming in for anymore appointments you should know, she’s having trouble at home and can’t spend money on ink. I know you’d prefer if she told you herself why she’s cancelling but she didn’t want to annoy you with her problems. That’s nice of her, isn’t it Lexa? After you couldn’t be bothered to even go to her party? Yeah, she’s a great person. Anyway you won’t be seeing her again, nor will I probably.” He grumbled at the end, losing the edge in his voice. Lexa’s heart was frozen in place after hearing Clarke didn’t feel like she could tell her what’s wrong. It made her feel like the biggest jerk, she knew she wasn’t actually but it was just another reason to hate herself. She nodded slowly.  
  
“I understand. I hope you can see her again Bellamy. I know what she means to you.” Lexa added for safe keeping, hoping it’d cool him off more. Alas, no.  
  
“You don’t know shit Heda! All you do is hide out here in your shop because someone shattered your fragile ego and now you take it out on others. Clarke would have been so fucking happy to see you yesterday. That girl thinks you’re a queen, but you don’t give any fucks about anything, do you? Now a good friend of mine is in a bad place and I can’t do anything about it because she’s so head strong. Fuck.” That’s when Bellamy slid down the doorway, sitting with his head in his hands. Lexa was completely taken back. She’d never been yelled at like that, and she’d never seen Bellamy Blake so weak.  
  
“You’re right about me, about everything. I’m too scared to do anything… but listen to me. I get you’re upset. I’m sorry you are, Bellamy. I don’t know if I can fix anything but I’m here for you. You don’t have to give up just because she’s strong though. If you fight to help her, she’ll realize she doesn’t have to do everything on her own. Okay? Don’t give up on her. Don’t let her skip out on your life for the next few months if it’s going to hurt you this bad. She’s your friend, you can make her see she doesn’t have to be alone.” Lexa wrapped up her spiel, having slid onto the floor next to the boy during it. She hesitantly reached out and touched his shoulder, trying to convey empathy.  
  
“Right. I can make her listen. We can.” He nodded fast, more to himself. “I’m going to give you her number so you can talk to her. I think Clarke would listen if it came from someone other than a close friend at first.” He stated, already rising to put his plan into action. Lexa’s heart was no longer frozen in place but now beating a hundred times a second it felt like. She felt winded and weak at the idea of speaking to Clarke about something so personal. Bellamy had been right. Lexa was hiding herself away in the shop and in her apartment. It was time to do something for someone else for once. _Costia would be livid_ she thought wryly.  
  
Bellamy came in a minute later with a smile back on his face, as if that whole thing hadn’t just happened. Lexa was still sat on her knees on the floor before she stood quickly, reaching for the sticky note he handed her.  
  
“So this is her number. Call her or text her, really soon, and be direct. She’ll be upset at first, probably with me for doing this… but she’ll be happy. So will you, Lexa.” He smiled genuinely at her. “I’m going to head home, don’t stay too late.” He winked, that was his favorite joke and it made her cringe every time with the stupidity. Nevertheless Lexa smiled back, nodding. Hoping her fear wasn’t written all over her face. She decided to call the next day, giving herself time to practice what she would say. Lexa hadn’t felt this nervous in years.  
  
The next day came before she had a chance to take a breath. The sun shone through her windows and Samuel nudged her awake, eager to go outside. His dark blue eyes glinted with love and happiness and innocence. _God I wish I was just a dog. Life would be so easy_ she thought for a second, laughing at herself afterwards. “Let’s go pup.” She said to him as she dressed in leggings and a wife beater to go on their morning run.  
  
Twenty minutes later Lexa was running down the bike path nearby, enjoying the air of the October morning and the cold crispness. The leaves were falling and crunching under her feet, dying in the most beautiful of ways. Colorful until the very end, then biodegrades by the next year when the leaves all come back. Life is a wonderful cycle. Her run continues until her lips are blue and her skin is covered in goosebumps, lungs heaving. Samuel jogs alongside her, hardly winded for having ran for over an hour.  
  
It’s only 7:20 a.m. on a Monday morning and all Lexa can think about is Clarke. Having to call Clarke today. Why did I agree to this? She asks herself for the 50th time this morning. They make their way back to the main road walking at a fast pace, so Lexa doesn’t slow her heart rate too much. There aren’t many cars on the road but the ones she does see are all high school seniors driving too fast. She comes to a stop and double takes each side of the road before running across with Samuel. Eventually they’re coming up to the shop when she sees a single car parked next to hers. It isn’t one she recognizes and a sinking feeling hits her stomach, hard. Lexa has a bad feeling about this.  
  
Opening the door to her stairwell to head upstairs she’s hit with a very familiar perfume scent. One she would recognize anywhere, anytime. Be it now or in 80 years as she lay dying, she would know it. Costia. Her heart starts hammering in her chest, painfully so and Lexa actually holds her hand over her heart as she takes the last step and looks around the corner. There, dressed in a pantsuit and blazer with a short afro and striking dark eyes is her ex-girlfriend. Waiting for her with a smirk on her face as Lexa approaches.  
  
“Well well well. You still look awfully sexy after running, Lex.” Costia sneers. Lexa immediately feels like she could throw up and just die right there, her heart was beating too fast and she felt her blood thicken. The brunette eyed her deviously like she was thinking of something to say to tear her apart. Lexa just waited, frozen in place. “Are you going to let me in or stand there like a scared puppy? Speaking of, who’s this handsome man?” She leaned down to pet Samuel but the dog yipped at her and snarled, pulling on the leash to attack her. Lexa couldn’t help but grin and hold him back, though she wanted to just unleash him.  
  
“W-why are you here?” Lexa stuttered, cursing herself for still being scared years later. Costia grinned and stepped closer to her, ignoring the snarling Samuel. She leaned in so close to her face Lexa could see the pores on her skin and the gold flakes in her chocolate eyes. An evil shine was in place though and on her lips as she smiled.  
  
“I want you back of course. Don’t you want me?” Then Costia grabbed Lexa by her waist with rough hands and kissed her neck too hard. Her teeth began grazing her pulse point and Lexa was feeling overwhelmed with fear. She whimpered and tried her best to fight her off but Costia was strong and the next thing she knew the brunette was dragging her inside her own apartment and closing the door.  
  
Hours later, Lexa is late for work as she cries her eyes out in the shower. She sits in a ball, holding her knees to her chest and her whole body trembles from Costia’s assault. Lexa always knew Costia was no good, but now she was really fucked up. The brunette was nothing but a malicious, controlling, rapist to her. In high school Costia forced Lexa a few times too but it was never so painful and full of hate. It was fearful and anxious as Costia tried to keep her close, but this attack was the girl just trying to exert power over her.  
  
Lexa just sits under the scalding hot water as it burns her skin and washes off Costia’s touch. She allows herself to cry for a while longer before getting out and dressing. Samuel hasn’t stopped following her since Costia arrived, knowing that something wasn’t right. Lexa was grateful to her little friend for trying to protect her. It was up to her though to do this. She dresses in black yoga pants and a huge hoodie, feeling self-conscious as ever and degraded as she walks into her living room to be met by Costia.  
  
“God you’re such a bum. Why don’t you actually try to look nice for once?” Costia inquired in her usual mean tone. Lexa felt her heart ache once more, a feeling she had to get used to again with Costia around.  
  
“I’m late for work because of you. I need to go. I don’t want you here when I’m back.” Lexa said in her most even tone, though the last word choked off as her stomach plummeted. Costia was just looking at her with a predatory grin and Lexa rushed for the door. The brunette quickly followed on her heel and pushed Lexa against it so her face and stomach were pressed into it.  
  
“Now now Lexa. That’s not a nice thing to say to your girlfriend.” She whispered in Lexa’s ear, trailing her hands down her sides. “I’m not done playing with you yet.” Then she pulled Lexa’s hand away from the doorknob and dragged her back to the couch where she straddled the terrified brunette. Lexa felt tears in her eyes as she looked at the door hopelessly. She wished more than anything she had friends who would worry why she was late and come check on her. _Clarke._ The blondes name echoes in Lexa’s head and she feels sick with shame.  
  
When they met, Lexa let Costia push Clarke on the ground because she was too scared to interfere. Now though Lexa was 21 years old, she was no longer the 17 turning 18 year old Costia controlled and it was time she knew that. Lexa got angry, using all her strength to shove the heavy girl off of her lap and onto the floor.  
  
“No. You don’t get to toy with me anymore Costia! I hate you, I’ve always hated you. I’ll never want you!” Lexa yelled to the girl who lay on the ground with wide eyes but a smirk on her face. Lexa wanted nothing more than to wipe that smirk off, so she jumped onto the girl straddling her on the floor now and threw punch after punch until Costia was thoroughly bleeding and begging her to stop. “I would kill you if I could, Costia. I could end your life right now for what you just did to me and everything else you’ve done. I won’t let you ruin me anymore.” Then she stood up to grab her phone and ran from the apartment, skipping stairs and she made it into her shop looking frantic. She spun around and locked the door, then leaned back against it breathing heavily. The rest of her group was looking at her, customers with wide eyes and Anya already standing to talk to her.  
  
“Bellamy if you see a woman come down all bloody and in a suit trying to get in, call the police.” Lexa then veered her way around Anya and to the space in the back. She threw herself into her chair and felt tears pouring again before she could stop them.  
  
“Lexa what the hell is happening? What’s wrong? A woman in a bloody suit? Is Costia back?” Anya questioned in a manic voice as she kneeled in front of her.  
  
“Yes Costia was at my door when I came home and she-she did it again Anya. I couldn’t stop her but then she tried just now as I was leaving and I just started hitting her…” Lexa replied quickly as she sobbed and shook. Anya held around her tight for a few minutes, knowing Lexa didn’t need more words, just support.  
  
“I’m going to call the police, if she’s still up there or walking around somewhere they’ll find her. We can finally put her away Lexa.” Anya rubbed her knee then took off with her phone as she dialed 911. Lexa was in her stool feeling utterly helpless and pathetic. Clarke ran through her mind one more time and Lexa just shoved it away. There was no way Lexa could be enough for her in any lifetime.  
  
***  
  
Clarke’s day was dragging on. All she wanted to do was get back to Raven’s and sleep away her sadness. For some reason she found herself thinking about Lexa again. She wanted so badly to have a chance to know her but with her situation now, she really had no time. Her last class finally ended and Clarke hopped in her car, eager to leave. She puts on Stitches by Sean Mendes and starts singing along as she drives. Minutes later she finds herself on Main Street, there are flashing police lights and an ambulance parked out in front of the tattoo shop and Clarke’s heart drops.  
  
She slows her car to get a good look and sees Bellamy standing out front talking to some officers, Anya and a few other of the artists surrounding him. In the ambulance sitting on the bumper of it and talking to paramedics is Lexa. Clarke immediately pulls her car over and shuts it off, getting out quickly to run over to her. As she gets closer she looks into the police cruiser and sees a woman sitting in the back, covered in blood. Lexa looks up at her slowly as Clarke comes around the back and she’s thankful to see she’s not bloody, even though her hands are. Lexa was wearing a huge grey hoodie, making her look tiny.  
“Clarke?” Lexa’s small voice asks. It makes the blonde want to scoop her up into a hug and never let her go, instead she sits next to her on the bumper and the paramedic says he’ll be back in a minute.  
  
“Lexa, what’s going on? Are you okay?” She fires off quickly.  
  
“I will be. Why are you here?” She eyes Clarke, slightly suspicious sounding.  
  
“I um—I saw this. I saw you sitting here. I needed to check on you…” Clarke trailed off, rubbing her neck as she realized how odd it was to pull her car over and run to Lexa’s side when they really don’t know each other. “Is that Costia in the police car?” Lexa’s jaw clenches and she exhales through her nose a few times before nodding curtly.  
  
“Yes. She is going to jail for what she did.” Her voice sounded so cold, but Clarke knew she was feeling a lot more than she was letting on. Clarke couldn’t help it, she reached for Lexa’s bloodied hand slowly giving her a chance to pull away but luckily the girl didn’t. She just held the brunette’s hand gently, enjoying the softness and being so close to her.  
  
“I’m glad. I don’t know what she did but I hope she never gets to see you again.” Lexa looked at her then and gave her a half smile. Something so beautiful it made Clarke look to the ground and blush. Lexa squeezed her hand and Clarke looked back up to see her still looking at her. “Is it something I said?” Clarke grinned.  
  
“You’re a sweet person. It just surprises me.” Lexa replied in a little voice again. Clarke was sad to hear that though. _It shouldn’t surprise her for someone to be nice to her…_  
  
“Well I want to be sweet to you. You deserve it, Lexa.” Clarke said earnestly, hoping she wasn’t coming across as possibly creepy. “Why was she here if you don’t mind me asking?” Lexa pulled her hand back and the blonde felt her chest ache for a second, fearing she asked too much. Lexa curled in on herself hugging her knees and Clarke just wanted to hold her. She kept her hands balled together, digging her nails into her palms to stop herself.  
  
“She wanted me back and she got me.” The brunette answered in a flat tone. Clarke became ferociously angry then, knowing exactly what the girl meant. She shook her head and balled her fists harder, drawing blood.  
  
“She fucking hurt you? I’m going to kill her.” Clarke said viciously as she stood and stormed over to the police car. She stood in front of the door and began reaching for the handle when Lexa came up behind her quickly and pulled her back.  
  
“Don’t you dare. You’ll get yourself arrested if you harm her while in custody. It isn’t worth it, Clarke.” Lexa said, running her hands down her shoulders to calm her down. Her hands were still balled and the blood was dripping now and Lexa saw. She took Clarke’s hands in hers and just frowned. “Why are you so upset? Why would you do this to yourself?”  
  
“Why am I upset? Because she hurt you Lexa! I want to kill her. That’s why you’re so sad isn’t it? She’s always done this to you. That stupid bitch has never deserved you.” Clarke hissed. Lexa looked surprise at how much she cared but Clarke couldn’t help her feelings. Knowing Lexa has been assaulted before by this girl made her furious. “Fucking fuck.” She cursed, her body shaking now in anger.  
  
“Clarke. Look at me.” The blonde slowly met Lexa’s eyes, boring deep into her own. “I’m okay, you can see that. You don’t have to be angry. She’s going to jail.” Clarke just laughed dryly and rubbed her bloody hands on her jeans.  
  
“She still did it. She still assaulted you, Lexa. When? Today?” Clarke felt her blood boil again thinking about it in detail. She can hear Lexa screaming for help and crying, terrified of the girl overpowering her.  
  
“This morning. She was at my apartment upstairs waiting for me. But Clarke stop it. I know you’re thinking about it and I don’t want you to. You don’t need that.” Lexa pushed on and suddenly Clarke just took Lexa into her arms and hugged her hard. She buried her face in Lexa’s neck and trapped her hands in the wild brown curls.  
  
“I’m not letting her hurt you again. I won’t let anyone hurt you.” Clarke said, pulling her face back to look at Lexa. The beautiful brunette with forest green eyes and pink full lips and the cutest nose. She wouldn’t ever let someone hurt this girl again.


	4. Three Days...Three Years. What's the difference?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The girls spend the day together, trying to forget what's happened. Lexa gets a roommate. Clarke is way too excited.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Just wanted to follow up on Lexa's bad day.

A while later after the paramedics insisted on bringing Lexa to the hospital for a checkup, Clarke drove her back home and the girls found themselves sitting on Lexa’s couch. Where only hours earlier she was paralyzed in fear. Now she was frozen for a whole other reason. Clarke held Lexa’s hand the entire time in the hospital and on the way home. It was only when they got back to her house did the blonde release her hand and Lexa felt the loss deeply. Samuel was so excited for (good) company he made his way onto the couch with them and Clarke looked so happy at his appearance.  
  
“Can I make you anything? Are you hungry?” Clarke asked her, sitting on the couch petting the coonhound and facing her. Lexa couldn’t believe this is how her day turned out. She took a second to think about it all. When she awoke this morning, she planned on doing her run, going to work, giving Clarke a call later and then watching Netflix for the night. It wasn’t supposed to be like this. Costia was never supposed to come back to Polis, she promised she wouldn’t, not that Lexa truly believed her. She just hoped day after day she wouldn’t. The girl did though and she brought Lexa down to her level once more. Lexa hadn’t felt such shame in years but as soon as Clarke was there, she felt okay.  
  
“No thank you.” She replied politely. She knew Clarke just wanted to help in any way she could but Lexa wasn’t sure the blonde could handle her faults. She wasn’t just a crack in the pavement to be filled in and fixed. Lexa was more like a crevice in a glacier, if the smallest movement goes wrong she’ll come crashing down like an avalanche, burying all in her path. “Clarke. Bellamy told me yesterday you weren’t going to come in for another appointment. Can I ask why?” Lexa asked trying to change the subject.  
  
“My mom and I got into a big fight on my birthday. She kicked me out of the house so I just want to focus on looking for an apartment to rent. I’m sorry because I really want to finish it but I can’t spend another $200 until I get myself settled.” Clarke told her surely. Lexa felt bad right away thinking about the poor blonde being booted from her house on her birthday. She reached for Clarke’s hand, surprising both of them, and held it gently. Clarke smiled at their hands and slowly intertwined their fingers, making Lexa grow pink.  
  
“I’m sorry she did that, but don’t apologize. It’s understandable. Is there a reason? You don’t have to tell me if it’s too much.” Clarke looked at her now.  
  
“I want to tell you everything.” She smiled. “My mom uh—she hates me actually. She thinks I’m like the devil incarnate ever since my dad passed away. I’ve gotten used to it, but I shouldn’t have thrown a party is all. I’m glad you didn’t go, I would’ve been embarrassed if you’d seen the fight.” Clarke said quietly, rubbing her neck again. Lexa took a look at it when she pulled it away and finally noticed a pale bruise there. Lexa let her hand go and pulled Clarke close to her, pushing her soft pale hair out of the way as she looked.  
  
“I’m glad I wasn’t there either. I would’ve been upset if I saw her do this to you.” Lexa said with an edge. She’d never been a violent or very strong person, obviously, but thinking about Clarke being hurt made her mad.  
  
“See?” Clarke smiled big, confusing Lexa momentarily. “We can’t stand the other being hurt. We’re perfect.” Clarke laughed now and pulled Lexa into a tight hug. Lexa couldn’t help but smile back at her eagerness and squeeze her in her arms. Clarke made her feel so much better. Maybe they were perfect.  
  
“It’s only because we don’t deserve to be hurt by the people who hurt us. A girlfriend and a mother are supposed to be the ones who care for you the most. God this world’s fucked.” Lexa laughed, earning a giggle from Clarke who stayed close to her almost on her lap as she held around her. Lexa didn’t mind at all. She actually wanted her closer which surprised her. The brunette took a chance and reached for Clarke’s hips to pull her into her lap fully so the blonde was leaning back against her and playing with their once again intertwined hands on her stomach.  
  
“I wish you could have been mine three years ago. Then this whole time you’d be happy.” Clarke turned in her lap, putting her legs on either side of Lexa and taking her face in her hands. “I would make sure you were happy. Every single day I’d make you smile.” Clarke told her quietly as she stared into Lexa’s eyes. She was surprised Clarke couldn’t hear her heart beating as fast as it was. Surely it sounded like a jack hammer, as it felt.  
  
“I—Clarke.” Lexa was lost for words. Nobody’s ever told her such nice things. She didn’t know what to think or believe but she wanted to believe Clarke. She wants to tell her she wishes she’d been hers too, wants to be hers now. The brunette ends up looking down, feeling bad for not being able to express herself the way Clarke deserves. She shook her head and started trying to move away but the blonde squeezed her into a hug and didn’t let her.  
  
“You don’t have to say anything. I’m not asking Lexa. I’m just telling you the truth.” Clarke told her, making Lexa feel so many things at once she felt dizzy all of a sudden.  
  
“I don’t feel too good. I think I should lay down.” Clarke immediately lifted herself off her, which made her feel sad because though she wanted to lay down she forgot that meant Clarke would have to leave. “Maybe you could stay? If you don’t mind. If you want… I’m sorry if—”  
  
“I would love to stay Lexa. Come on.” Clarke beamed, taking her hand again and leading her through the apartment with Samuel on their heels but they came to a stop a few seconds later. “Okay I don’t actually know where your room is.” She admitted with a chuckle, making Lexa smile. She squeezed the blonde’s hand tighter in hers and lead her to the last room in the hall. Her heart skipped a beat for a second at the thought of her room being a mess after Costia this morning and her little rage fest of throwing clothes around trying to find something comfy and big. She sighed in relief when Clarke didn’t even comment on the mess and just jumped onto her bed like a little kid.  
  
“If we sleep now though there’s no way you can get me to leave when we wake up at 4 a.m. like we’re going to, considering it’s only 8.” Clarke said in a serious tone but her eyes were lit up with amusement. Lexa felt her heart swell in her chest for this girl. Clarke. From day one she knew Clarke was it for her. That’s what made her so scared to let her in. Hell even after today and Clarke being the only one who was able to help her feel better; Lexa is terrified of the blonde. She’s so kind and bubbly and sweet and loving and deserves so much. Lexa doesn’t understand why she chose her. Bellamy was right but fuck did she want to prove him wrong.  
  
“I don’t plan on making you leave, Clarke. Actually, I have an offer for you.” Lexa said in a small voice, suddenly nervous the blonde would reject her. Lexa watched as Clarke nodded, giving her the go ahead. “I—umm—well I have space here. It’s a two bedroom apartment and um—well if you can’t find anything else, you’re welcome to—” Then the blonde launched herself off the bed at Lexa and the brunette barely caught her as she stumbled back holding a wriggling Clarke. Samuel barking happily at their antics.  
  
“Fuck. Yes.” Clarke said excitedly. “Oh my god that would make my life. I could see you every day and make you breakfast and dinner and play with Samuel when you’re not home. Fuck—that’d be so great. I could be the best roommate ever.” She beamed and Lexa finally set her down on her bed and couldn’t help her own smile.  
  
“Just by saying all that you already are, Clarke.” Lexa smiled big and Clarke’s jaw actually dropped a little. “What?” Lexa asked nervously, suddenly thinking Clarke must think she’s hideous when she smiles. She looked down at the ground feeling the heat rise in her face and her heart thump. It shouldn’t surprise her, all this kindness was just how Clarke was. She was a nice person, but that didn’t mean she actually wanted Lexa.  
  
“You’re just so beautiful… I’ve only seen you really smile like, just now in the past 55 ish hours we’ve known each other.” Clarke said, looking at her in awe. Lexa blushed again but now for a different reason as she thought about how they’d literally (officially) known each other for three whole days. Now she’d invited the girl to live with her. _Wow, we don’t exactly know how to take things slow._ Lexa laughed aloud thinking about how Clarke pretty much kissed her on the first day, invited her to a party, cancelled all appointments the next day, then made her feel better than she had in years on the third day and now she was going to move in with her.  
  
“What’s so funny huh?” Clarke smiled at her as she laughed. The blonde looked more amused that Lexa was actually laughing.  
  
“I just can’t believe we’ve known each other for three days and I’m already letting you move in with me. It’s so crazy.” Lexa smiled big shaking her head. Clarke frowned though at that.  
  
“Oh, yeah. Well I won’t then Lexa. I don’t want to make you feel uncomfortable. That’s the absolute last thing I’d ever want.” Clarke said, standing up now. Lexa ceased her laughing upon seeing Clarke’s frown and reached for her again taking her hands.  
  
“No, I want you to live here. I’m surprised at myself honestly, but I really do Clarke. If we’re being technical, we’ve actually known each other for three years, so that helps.” Clarke smiled faintly at her admission and looked at their joined hands.  
  
“Lexa? I need to tell you something if we’re going to do this.” Lexa felt her stomach drop, unsure if this was going to be good or bad. Anything Clarke did had the power to destroy her.  
  
“Okay.” Lexa said in a small voice, eyes on the ground again. Clarke sighed heavily and flopped onto the bed beside her, laying on her back.  
  
“If we live together… I’m going to fall in love with you. Hopelessly in love. I can feel it.” Clarke told her and Lexa almost died right there.  
  
“Jesus Clarke. You scared me so bad. I thought you were going to say something awful.” Lexa exhaled breathily as she calmed her rapid heart and turned to lay down next to the blonde. “Do you not want to love me, Clarke?” The blonde then whipped her head at her with disbelieving eyes, until she realized Lexa was asking seriously.  
  
“Lexa Heda. I would love to love you.” She smiled, making Lexa blush in return.  
  
“Then it’ll be okay, because I’m going to fall for you too.” She said and Clarke grinned so big it was a sight she’d never forget.  
  
“Okay, do you still want to go to bed?” Clarke asked. Lexa felt exhausted after her day and her body still ached.  
  
“Yes, but you don’t have to sleep now Clarke. You can hang out with Samuel and watch Netflix or something. Have you eaten anything?” Lexa couldn’t help but worry.  
  
“I’m not feeling hungry and I’m not leaving. Let’s sleep.” Clarke told her, standing up and pulling her jeans down and shirt off, leaving her in a matching dark blue bra and panties. Lexa’s throat ran dry and she averted her eyes back to the floor. Clarke laughed at her reaction and just jumped into bed. “I don’t exactly wear much to sleep, sorry. Want me to put a shirt on?” She teased, leaning on her elbows. Lexa didn’t dare look at her, knowing her pupils were blown and she wouldn’t be able to not stare. She cleared her throat and hastily looked for a soft shirt for the girl.  
  
“Y-yes please.” Lexa picked up a band tee and tossed it to her, still not looking. She heard Clarke huff and she grinned, knowing the girl didn’t actually want to wear one. “I’ll be back.” Lexa slipped into her bathroom and splashed water on her face for a second. _Get it together you creep_ she chastised herself. She quickly changed into a loose white shirt and sweatpants. Lexa dressed fully covered for bed ever since Costia. She made her feel too bad about herself, now Lexa could hardly stand to see her body.  
  
The brunette walked out a minute later and found Clarke sitting on the edge of the bed, wearing the band tee that hung off her shoulder and her blonde hair was in a messy bun. She looked beautiful. Lexa stared a moment too long before rounding the side of the bed and getting in.  
  
“Lexa?” Clarke asked as the girl laid down beside her and got under the covers. Lexa reached up and turned off the lamp, welcoming the darkness in the room and hearing nothing but Samuel's breathing on end of the bed and Clarke’s in her ear.  
  
“Hmm?” Lexa hummed, nervous to speak. She hadn’t laid in a bed with someone in three years and that was only when Costia made her. Her body was rigid as she lay on her side, trying her best to stick to about 6 inches on the right side of the bed, half falling off. She felt Clarke right behind her and knew there was probably 4 or 5 more feet of bed behind the blonde and she found herself wishing Clarke would move back a little.  
  
“Do you want me to move away?” She asked, already moving back some.  
  
“I—I’m sorry I haven’t slept with someone in a long time. I’m not sure how to lay.” Lexa replied and huffed at herself for sounding so lame. She felt Clarke’s hand rub down her left arm gently and the touch calmed her.  
  
“It’s okay Lexa. Don’t apologize for anything. This will take some getting used to, but I’m here for you.” Then the blonde rolled into her space again and pressed a kiss to Lexa’s shoulder, freezing her in her spot. Then she moved away again and Samuel moved in between them, happily filling the space. Lexa fell asleep quickly after that, finally giving into her exhaustion.  
  
***  
  
Clarke lay beside Lexa in the brunette’s queen sized bed. The girl had so many blankets and pillows it was like a bed for royalty. She wanted more than anything to cuddle Lexa but the way she reacted to even laying close to her proved this was going to take some time. Costia that horrible, stupid bitch ruined Lexa’s confidence. The poor girl couldn’t even look at herself Clarke noticed. When she stood in front of the body mirror earlier the brunette didn’t take a single glance at her reflection. Clarke stares at herself when she gets the chance, critiquing everything about her body but seeing how Lexa is makes her realize how lucky she is to have always had someone telling her positive things.  
  
Lexa didn’t even know how to express herself without feeling self-conscious. They talked a bit about Costia at the hospital. When Lexa was answering the doctor’s questions she looked so small. Then a psychiatrist came in to talk to her and she’s thankful Lexa let her stay in the room but she could’ve gone the rest of her life without hearing what Costia did. The bitch would shut Lexa down whenever she spoke, she’d tell her how ugly she was when she laughed or smiled, which explains why Lexa looks at the floor so much. She told Lexa she was worthless and undeserving of any kindness, that’s why she was with Costia, because nobody would want to put up with her.  
  
Clarke was furious the entire time, but luckily Lexa held her hand and kept her grounded or she would have gone to the police station and dismembered the brunette piece by piece. Lexa deserved everything. Absolutely fucking everything and Clarke would give it to her. She watches as Lexa breathes evenly, chest rising and falling and Clarke studies her profile. She has the most perfect lips, full and pink and soft. She had the cutest nose Clarke had ever seen. This girl was the definition of beautiful and she couldn’t wait for Lexa to see what she sees.  
  
It was only 9:30 p.m. and Clarke had been lying awake for almost two hours, unable to sleep yet. She took in the state of Lexa’s room and realized it was probably because of everything earlier and she felt bad that Lexa would have to clean it up. The blonde slipped from the bed, thankful Samuel was keeping Lexa asleep with his warm head on her hip. Clarke began picking up all the clean clothes, tossing the dirty ones into a hamper and folding the rest. By 10 o’clock the room was spotless and she’d successfully tired herself out some, enough to fall asleep as she got back into bed with Lexa and Samuel.  
  
Clarke didn’t dream at all during the night, her head too full of thoughts. When the morning finally came, she rolled out of bed quickly, remembering she had school today. It was only Tuesday and the rest of the world had to move on while her and Lexa were falling apart and putting the pieces back together the previous day. It made her sad to think not many people knew what Lexa has been through and she just goes throughout her days trying her best to stay strong. Now she would have to leave Lexa in an empty bed and get on with her day too.  
  
She was so happy when Lexa offered to let her stay with her. The blonde had only seen 5 apartments in Polis and 4 of them were $1200 a month including everything. That was way more than Clarke could afford. Well she could, but she’d be left with like $300 a month for food and clothes and living expenses. The last apartment she saw was $900 a month, plus water and oil which was $200 so she’d still be paying $1100. It was harder than she thought, but then Lexa offered to let her be her roommate and it was just perfect.  
  
Clarke scribbled out a note for Lexa when she wakes up, still surprised but glad that the girl had been out like a light for 12 hours now. She checked the fridge and saw nothing she could make the brunette for breakfast so Clarke grabbed her things and ran to her car, making it to a bakery and back within 10 minutes. Clarke didn’t know what Lexa likes so she bought her own favorite, a fruit tart with lemon glaze.  
Her note was left beside it and Clarke took one last look at a sleeping Lexa before heading to Raven’s to get clothes for the day.


	5. Tuesday Morning

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Lexa wakes to an empty bed, fearing the worst. We find out about Lexa's tattoos.

Lexa slept so well for the first time in a very long time. Despite the events the day before she found herself ready to face the day. Before she opened her eyes she basked in the warmth she felt on her face from the sun and the sound of Samuel’s even breathing beside her. Her thoughts suddenly jumped to a certain blonde and Lexa felt her heart skip a beat at the thought of waking up to her right now. The brunette peeled her eyes open and the blinked a few times at an empty side of the bed, just her white, grey and black spotted pup laying there. Her heart sunk. _Why would she have stayed in bed with you? Seriously?_ A voice echoed evilly inside her as she tried to ignore the sharp pang that accompanied the thought. Lexa let herself fall back on the bed for a few long minutes, trying her best to pretend she didn’t feel like she was crumbling.  
  
Slowly Lexa made herself wake up, getting into the shower and somehow managing to be out in 14 minutes. A record for her with the amount of hair she has. The house was quiet besides a dull sound of traffic outside and birds chirping away on the wires. It was chilly and Lexa bundled herself in a blanket as she entered her living room and into the kitchen. The first thing she saw was a paper bag on the counter with a big, drawn smiley face on it. She couldn’t help the quirk of her lips at seeing the lopsided smile. There was a note next to it and Lexa’s heart beat fast as she picked it up.  
  
_Lexa_  
_I’m SO sorry I’m not with you right now. Let me just say that. If you haven’t registered why yet, it’s Tuesday and I have school. I drove to the bakery and picked you out my favorite cheat treat (: I’m kind of a health nut so don’t expect sweets all the time! Please text me whenever so we can talk a little in length about me moving in. I’d like you to be 100% sure before I come waltzing back there and have you feeling uncomfortable. Xxx-xxxx_  
_Clarke_  
  
She smiled in thought about Clarke not knowing Bellamy had already given her the girl’s number. Underneath the note was a drawing of a dog and two stick people next to it, with arrows pointing out names. _‘You, me, Samuel’_ Lexa realized she was smiling so big it was hurting her cheeks as she opened up the bag to see what Clarke got her. She was overjoyed to see it was a fruit tart covered in mixed berries and lemon glaze. Lexa’s own favorite too. The brunette took a gingerly small bite as she enjoyed the sweet tart taste and the perfect, thick lemon glaze.  
  
After she’d eaten about a quarter of the tart she wrapped it up to give to Clarke later and pulled out her phone to send a message to the girl. She was continuously surprised by how kind the blonde was. Lexa was fully aware she invited her to move in with her and be her roommate, but the girl still wanted to talk things over first and make sure Lexa felt comfortable. It made her feel happy. Something she hadn’t truly felt in god knows how long.  
  
**(10:42 a.m.) Good morning. It’s Lexa. Thank you for your note, it was very sweet. Thank you as well for the fruit tart! It is my personal favorite too. I would prefer to call you to talk things over, if that’s okay. I’ll be at the shop if you want to call whenever you get a moment. Have a good day, Clarke.**  
  
Lexa felt nervous to text her even though she’d asked her too. It was going to take some time for her to be able to be what most considered ‘normal’ around Clarke. The blonde offered her such understanding and kindness Lexa was overwhelmed every time she thought about her. In the best way possible, Clarke already drove her crazy. She fed Samuel his breakfast and she watched as he happily wagged his tail and ate. Lexa felt so light, it was a strange feeling for her.  
  
The shop opening at noon gave her some time to do something before heading down, as she really didn’t want to just yet. A run felt like it would require energy she didn’t quite have and with a little bit of food in her stomach she had no reason to make herself breakfast to waste time. Lexa got an idea. She’d been meaning to touch up on her tattoo on her right thigh, a big portrait of Salvador Dali walking an ant eater in Paris. It was Lexa’s favorite piece on her body. The picture is from 1969 and when she saw it, it was just so weird and hilarious to her at the time she had to get it tattooed. It also helped that Dali was her biggest inspiration in the surrealist category.  
  
She found herself down in the shop fifteen minutes later bent over her leg, tattooing herself. Most artists usually (obviously) don’t tattoo themselves but Lexa is really good and honestly she doesn’t trust many other artists. Her and Anya’s mentor, Gustus, was the one who did her thigh piece because he was truly gifted and if Lexa was going to learn something, it would be done the right way. Here she was a few years later, owning her own shop, a well renowned artist; things were good. The clock read 11:40 a.m. when the rest of the artists came in and Lexa was starting to finish her touch up. Anya came into her space to greet her, looking unsure at Lexa’s newfound contentness.  
  
“Hey smiley. What are you doing?”  
  
“Hi An. I’m finally working on my Dali in Paris tattoo. I don’t have anything planned today so I’m just going to stick around for walk ins. What have you got?” Lexa smiled at her friend as she came to sit in front of her, putting on some gloves and asking to work on it too. Lexa trustily handed over the gun.  
  
“I have a continued session I’m doing with that big ocean and shark piece. You should see it. I’m so good the shark scares me if I stare too long.” Anya mused. Lexa couldn’t help but bark a small laugh at the thought of Anya shivering over her own work. “Wow you’re happy as hell Lexa. I haven’t heard you laugh like that in a while.” Lexa felt a blush crawl up her neck as she looked to the ground to stop her smiling.  
  
“Well, I just feel different. With Costia… away now, I’m not thinking about her every minute coming back and ruining my life. Yesterday was the worst day I’ve had in a long time Anya. I don’t want to feel like that ever again.” Anya regarded her with knowing eyes and she stopped the gun for a second to look at her.  
  
“I know what you mean. I never wanted you to feel like that again, but you’re right. She’s away now and there’s no way they’d let a psychopath like her out. Everything is going to be great.” The dirty blonde nodded and looked back to the tattoo to start some shading again. Lexa was about to reply when her phone vibrated and she couldn’t look at it quickly enough.  
  
**Clarke Griffin (11:55 a.m.) Morning!! I’m so glad you like fruit tarts, that’d be a deal breaker (; I’ll call you in a few minutes when I get to lunch if that’s okay?! Have a good day too, Lexa.**  
  
The brunette couldn’t stop the smile that broke out across her full lips, her body bursting with butterflies. The thought of getting to hear Clarke’s voice on the phone in a few minutes sent her into a tizzy. She looked up at Anya to ask her to leave when the girl was already setting the stuff down and turning it off, smiling at her. She reached for the lotion and rubbed some on Lexa’s tat.  
  
“Any chance that text is from someone who is another reason you’re so happy?” Her friend teased while Lexa blushed furiously. She wanted to deny it but she knew Anya already knew about her infatuation with the blonde freshman who’s now the girl she was tattooing the other day. There’d be no point in pretending Clarke wasn’t a factor in the equation, especially because she was about to be Lexa’s roommate.  
“I—Yes. It’s Clarke.” Lexa bit her lip to suppress a wide grin she felt making its way out.  
  
“I knew it. I saw her practically crash her car yesterday to pull over before she ran right to you in the ambulance. I always told you there was a connection there. You should have pursued her in high school ugh. 3 years is hardly a difference.” Anya was so excited for her, Lexa could tell. She smiled at the memory of Clarke running over to her with frantic, worried eyes yesterday.  
  
“3 years is a big difference when I was 18 years old and she was 15! Now it doesn’t sound so bad because she’s of legal age. Anyways Anya you know I couldn’t have… Costia would have hurt her.” Lexa said in a quiet voice. She still regretted so much letting her hurt the blonde on that day. When Lexa broke up with Costia after the incident, she had bombarded Lexa with questions about her going after Clarke. Lexa had to pretend she couldn’t care less about the girl and could never pursue her or Costia surely would have retaliated. Not that Lexa had been in any shape to try and start a new relationship then, she hardly was now. She just felt a little more capable these days.  
  
“Right. Sorry. Now though you can ask Clarke out if you want.”  
  
“I know. I’m way ahead of you on that, An.” Lexa winked jokingly, about to continue and tell her about her invite for the blonde to move in when her phone began ringing. She smiled huge at seeing Clarke’s name. “I’ll tell you later okay. I have to take this.” Then she stood, ignoring the sting in her thigh as she walked out the back door to an alley.  
  
“Hello?” She answered, eagerly. She heard Clarke’s intake of breath on the other end, which matched her own when she heard Clarke’s voice.  
  
_“Hi Lexa.”_ Her voice was husky and Lexa felt a shiver go down her spine.  
  
“Hi Clarke.” Pause. “You wanted to talk?”  
  
_“Yeah, I just wanted to make sure you really were asking me to move in with you? Yesterday was a tough day for you, I don’t know what kind of state of mind you were in from how tired you were.”_ Clarke answered and Lexa felt herself smile again at Clarke’s worry.  
  
“I like to think I was pretty conscious.” She laughed. “I—um I meant to Clarke. I don’t regret inviting you to be my roommate. It’s your choice.” Lexa gave her an out, like she always did with people. She knew she wasn’t the ideal person to be around and she still felt a ball of guilt tucked away inside her at the thought of dragging anyone into her life.  
  
_“Really?”_ The blonde replied and Lexa felt unsure of what to say to that. So badly Lexa wanted to be her friend and roommate and maybe more, but she would never expect Clarke to stick around just because she wanted her too.  
  
“Well yes, really. It’s up to you. I have no doubt you are able to find an apartment and do well for yourself, but I did extend the invitation if you so want to choose Samuel and I as your roommates.” She heard Clarke’s giggle on the other line and grinned at the sound.  
  
_“Then yes, Lexa. I want to live with you and Samuel, if you’ll have me.”_ Clarke said in a quiet tone but Lexa could hear her excitement. Just then Bellamy poked his head out the back and pointed back into the shop with his thumb, signaling a walk in for her. She nodded hastily so he’d leave again.  
  
“We would love to have you Clarke. Um I’m sorry to say I must go now, I just got a walk in appointment. I’ll be at my—the—apartment or in the shop when you’re done with school. Have a good day.” Lexa told her again. Clarke laughed at her mix up and told her she’d see her soon.  
  
The next few hours went smoothly. Lexa’s walk in was a man who wanted a cover up of a girlfriend’s name on his shoulder and she happily tattooed a small galaxy splotch over it. She made sure to remind him never to get anything tattooed about someone again unless it was family or kids and the guy laughed heartily. Anya’s customer did indeed have a scary looking right sleeve. The top shoulder was the rays of the sun beaming through the ocean water, blue and white and golden in color. The elbow and bicep had a stunning, great white shark coming out of the darkness with wide open jaws and bloody teeth. It was remarkable work and Lexa prided Anya on it.  
  
Around 2 p.m. Lexa was in the back working on her own drawings, having found inspiration. She had her radio playing Shake Me Down by Cage the Elephant and she was sketching away at her easel. The brunette was dressed in tight, dark red shorts so her freshly inked tattoo wouldn’t catch on fabric; and a loose white tank top. Her hair was held up in a messy ponytail and a black bandanna. Once she pulled out the paint to start bringing life to her art she really got into it. Soon enough her tank top was splattered in blues and greens and all kinds pinks and reds for the flowers she’d drawn. As Lexa wiped her face with her left hand, smeared with some green paint it left a stripe on her cheek. She turned around to change the song and heard a giggle from her doorway.  
  
Lexa whipped around at the sound and flushed as soon as she saw Clarke grinning at her, happily watching with her arms crossed over her chest. She couldn’t help but take in the blonde’s outfit. Clarke was wearing a sheer blue three quarter sleeve blouse with an obvious black bandeau underneath, over white skinny jeans and white, painted converse. All topped with Clarke’s blonde hair and bright blue eyes she was a sight to remember.  
  
“Whoa—I mean hey. Hi. Clarke.” Lexa stuttered, tearing her gaze away from the girl who was smirking at her.  
  
“Whoa yourself." She winked. "Hi Lexa. Nice war paint. So, working hard or hardly working?” Clarke joked as she sauntered forward to look at Lexa’s work. Lexa had to keep her eyes on the ground instead of Clarke’s hips as she got closer and stood in front of Lexa to admire the spring painting. She rubbed at her cheek with a wet paper towel, hoping to wipe away her said ‘war paint.’  
  
“Spring is my favorite time. The whole world is coming back to life from the dead cold of winter. It’s rejuvenating.” Lexa told her simply, almost unable to hide the waver of passion in her voice. The blonde just stared at the painting for a good minute before nodding slowly.  
  
“It’s amazing. I like fall, when all the life slowly dies and the color is sapped from the world.” Her answer surprised Lexa and the brunette found herself leaning forward into her, slightly pressing herself to Clarke’s back in silent understanding. She would’ve expected Clarke to choose summer. Bright, full of warmth and time for memories.  
  
“Seems like we’re a little different.” Lexa noted in a quiet voice, not meaning much by it. Clarke turned around and pressed into Lexa’s front hugging around her waist. Lexa was pleasantly delighted for a hug and wrapped her arms around the blonde too.  
  
“It seems so, but that’s why this will work. We both have things to learn about each other.” Then Clarke put her chin on Lexa’s chest and just looked up into her eyes. Lexa had never been so thankful to be taller than her before. The blonde looked so peaceful. Blue eyes trailed down her face and landed on her lips, making Lexa suddenly beat red with nerves. She unhooked her arms around the girl as casually as possible and cleared her throat as she fumbled for a paintbrush.  
  
“So um—I’m probably going to be working for a while longer, until 7 or so. I don’t have any appointments so I’m just waiting on walk ins. Wait a second—” Then Lexa turned right to Clarke with big eyes. “Can I see your tattoo? Fuck. I forgot to give you lotion on Saturday and you’ve gone the past two days without any care.” Lexa spit out hastily as she searched for aquaphor, her personal choice for tattoo aftercare.  
  
“Oh shit, yeah ok.” Clarke replied and began unbuttoning her top quickly. Lexa almost dropped the tube as she looked back to a shirtless Clarke, her skin pale against the black bandeau. The swell of her breasts was almost mouthwatering and the brunette stared too long before thrusting the lotion into the girl’s hands and looking to the ground. “Lexa, no. You do this.” Lexa hesitantly met her eyes and shook her head.  
  
“I shouldn’t. Just apply a decent amount and really rub it in because you missed two days. Do it until any scratchy scabbing is smoothed.” Lexa instructed as she moved around the room to pretend to look for something. Seconds after she felt the blonde’s hand on her wrist pulling her towards her. Lexa swallowed thickly before looking at Clarke.  
  
“No.” She said simply, taking Lexa’s hand and squeezing a little bit of the aquaphor into it. “I want you to do it. You can touch me Lexa. Nothing will happen.” Clarke told her in a kind voice, taking her hand and pressing it to her side. Lexa’s breath caught in her throat as her hand stilled over the tattoo, feeling the warmth of Clarke’s body on her palm. She slowly swallowed and moved her hand tentatively to rub in the lotion. Lexa huffed at herself, taking a second to put her stoic mask on and become professional, she didn’t want Clarke to think she was being anything less than that.  
  
“Alright you will need to apply this again tonight, maybe once tomorrow but then I am switching you to Lubriderm lotion for the rest of the week. You may use anything you’d like as long as there is no petroleum, deal?” Lexa smiled, finally taking her hand back and exhaling a breath she didn’t know she was holding. Clarke just had a little smile playing on her lips as she nodded.  
  
“You got it, Lexa. Guess I should get dressed again huh?” She giggled as the girls stood in front of each other with Clarke shirtless again.  
  
“Honestly this seems to be a common occurrence, but yes that would be best.” The artist laughed and shook her head. There was a ding at the front of the shop and a minute later Bellamy came into her space, smiling huge upon seeing the two talking animatedly about Lexa’s painting.  
  
“Heda? We got a walk in. It’s the rose girl from the other day.” He told her and went back to the front. Lexa stood up, eager to do a tattoo, and she heard Clarke’s breath catch.  
  
“Clarke?” Lexa asked. The blonde was staring at her legs and Lexa remembered all of her tattoos were visible. She had matching blue and red roses on her knees, a portrait of Samuel on her right shin and a weeping willow wrapped around the other shin. Her right thigh piece with Salvador Dali and his ant eater and on her left was Dali’s more famous piece, the melting clock.  
  
“Fuck, Lexa.” Clarke breathed out, reaching for her and Lexa gasped as Clarke traced her fingers down her legs lightly. “You—you’re incredibly beautiful.” The blonde seemed entranced, then all of a sudden she laughed loudly. “Is that a fucking anteater?!” It was Lexa’s turn to laugh now and she slapped Clarke’s hands away playfully.  
  
“Don’t you laugh at Salvador’s pet! I’d have an anteater if I could, who wouldn’t?” Clarke grinned so big and just stood to hug Lexa tightly, taking her by surprise.  
  
“God you’re amazing. I can’t believe you have an anteater tattooed on you.” She chuckled into Lexa’s neck. “Okay well you should get to work on the rose girl, whoever she is and I will start to bring my stuff upstairs. If that’s okay?” Clarke inquired.  
  
“It’s definitely okay but honestly I forgot about that. Do you want help? I can have someone else take the walk in. I am the boss after all.” Lexa smirked.  
  
“No no, I have Raven and Octavia. Plus I really don’t have much, just my bed and bedframe, dresser, um—all my clothes which will be in the dresser… then little things. It’ll be okay. Even though I haven’t seen the spare room I think I can find it.” Lexa smiled at her but couldn’t help wanting to help anyways.  
  
“Well if you’re sure. I’ll see you soon then.” She smiled as she stepped out of the space, followed by Clarke who waved to Bellamy on her way out. Lexa walked up to the girl, Harper, who smiled big upon seeing her.  
  
“Hey Harper. Back for more?” She asked. The girl grinned and blushed, shaking her head.  
  
“I actually came just for you. I was hoping to ask you to dinner again when you are free from appointments?” The red head beamed and stood to approach Lexa. She found herself feeling not nearly as eager now, her thoughts jumping straight to Clarke and how she’d react if Lexa said yes to a date.  
  
“I’m very sorry Harper, but I have to decline. I appreciate it so much though.” Lexa conveyed her guilt the best she could, not wanting to hurt the girl as Lexa was nobody special. She simply couldn’t risk upsetting the blonde and ruining whatever might be starting between them. Harpers face fell immeasurably and Lexa ached for being the reason why. “Harper please. I am sorry.”  
  
“It’s okay Lexa. I shouldn’t have asked again, you’re beyond out of my league.” Lexa gasped at that. _What?!_  
  
“Please don’t ever say that. That’s false. I want to be honest with you. I currently like someone and I just don’t want to risk anything. However I am willing to tattoo you again if you ever want more?” Lexa tried to coax the tension away. Harper grinned slightly.  
  
“Definitely. I love this rose. I love your tattoos too.” Harper blushed and Lexa did too just because the girl had been looking her legs.  
  
“Thanks Harper.” Lexa chuckled. The redhead nodded and scheduled an appointment with Bellamy before leaving. Lexa retreated to her room to wait out the day, hoping for walk ins to pass the time.


	6. Tuesday Evening

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Clarke moves in. The precinct calls with some lame news and upsets Lexa. A certain blonde is a little rage filled when she hits the gym after the weekend she had.

“Could you please fucking lift your side?! I feel like I’m carrying the whole thing Octavia!” Clarke barked at her friend, who snarled her reply.  
  
“Fuck you and your heavy ass dresser.” Came her answer some breaths and heaves later. They made it to the top of the landing and each leaned on the dresser out of breath. They’d gotten the bed frame, mattress and box spring in already, all (4) of Clarke’s boxes full of her little trinkets and the bags of clothing which Raven was currently working on putting away. The mechanic had also already set up the bed as the other girls fumbled with the dresser.  
  
Clarke was happy with the room, surprised it was the same size as Lexa’s and fit her own full size bed nicely, along with her things. The room was light green, a nice change from the deep brown of Lexa’s walls. Samuel was barking happily at all the girl’s as they came and went from the apartment. Finally after a couple hours of setting up and going out into town, they were starving and the three friends found themselves in Clarke’s new kitchen as the blonde cooked dinner.  
  
The girls went food shopping after they finished her room and she hoped Lexa wouldn’t mind that she bought mostly healthy things. Clarke chose to make a big dish tonight so there would be food for Lexa too. She chose a nice roasted cauliflower lasagna. Prepped with cauliflower florets, some classic lasagna noodles, a whole 28-ounce plum tomato, diced red pepper, basil leaves, tomato paste and a various kinds of cheeses to add between the layers. The apartment smelled like heaven as the food cooked for its designated 1 hour and 40 minutes.  
  
When 6:50 p.m. rolled around and Clarke was pulling out the lasagna, Lexa walked through the door. Clarke immediately smiled at her and welcomed her, introducing Lexa to her friends who were bouncing like puppies in their seats for food. Samuel too, which was not helping cool the food down any faster.  
  
“Hi. I made some dinner if you’ll join us.” Clarke told her softly as Lexa came into the kitchen and peeked at the food. The small grin that played on her lips made Clarke smile.  
  
“I would love to if you don’t mind.” Lexa answered as she finally looked at Clarke and the two just shared a moment for a long second.  
  
“Um duh, it’s your apartment Lexa. I hope you like cauliflower!” She beamed. Lexa nodded gratefully and left the room, presumably to change from her paint stained clothes.  
  
“So that’s Lexa? Holy. Shit. Clarke.” Octavia annunciated in awe. After having seen the brunette’s leg tattoos Clarke couldn’t stop thinking about what other tattoos she might have other places and she knew her friends were thinking the same. _That and she’s the most beautiful human alive._  
  
“Yeah I know. I told you. You guys never believed me but she’s literally a queen.” Clarke exclaimed.  
  
“We never believed you because we never saw her! Nobody knew if ‘Lexa Heda’ was even real Clarke.” Raven chimed in. The blonde whipped her head at her to shut her up. It was true Lexa was like a ghost during Clarke’s freshman year. Every time she thought she’d seen her she would shout to her friends but by the time they’d get there the brunette was gone. It was like the boy who cried wolf.  
  
“Well she is and I’m her roommate, so ha!” Clarke smiled happily. Her friends huffed at her antics and began to dig into the lasagna. A few minutes into eating, Clarke hadn’t touched her plate yet because she wanted to wait for Lexa. She decided to go see if she was alright.  
  
Making her way down the hall she heard some heavy breathing and Lexa’s door was closed. She didn’t know if it was her place just yet to intrude and see what the matter is, but if Clarke didn’t check on her, who would? The blonde tiptoed to the front of the door, pausing to hear Lexa’s breaths before knocking gently.  
  
“Come in.” Lexa answered in a tiny voice and Clarke slowly pushed the door open, hoping everything would be okay.  
  
“Lexa? Is something wrong?” She asked softly as she saw the brunette sitting on the edge of her bed, dressed the same still. Lexa nodded a few times before wiping her face and looking at Clarke. The blonde felt her heart hurt seeing her favorite green eyes with familiar tears in them.  
  
“I just got a call from Polis Precinct saying Costia is refusing to plead guilty and wants to press charges on ME for assault even when fucking everyone at the shop backed me up. She’s a lunatic and there’s nothing I can do, Clarke.” Lexa released a sob at the end and Clarke fell to her knees in front of her, wrapping her tight in her arms.  
  
How the fuck that girl she thinks she can press charges against Lexa is unbelievable. Clarke’s anger swirls inside her and she knows if she speaks it’s going to come out as a lot of swears and insults and hisses. She simply holds Lexa for a long minute before she feels calm enough to speak.  
  
“There is something you can do, Lexa. You need to bring her to court, to prove that she’s the one who assaulted you and you’ll bring all of your witnesses. Bellamy, Anya, the other artists etc. She has nobody. You have all of us and you’d better believe I won’t let you be hurt by her again nor will they.” Clarke told her, tucking some hair behind Lexa’s ear as the brunette nodded slowly. “I’m going to go send O and Raven home, they helped enough. I’ll bring you a plate.” Then she stood and rushed down the hall so she could get back to her asap. Her friends were playing with Samuel in the kitchen, still eating while they goofed around.  
  
“Hey guys, I kind of need you to go. Not really a good time. Thank you so much for helping me though seriously.” She hugged her friends as they gathered their stuff and Octavia said she’d see her tonight at the gym. Clarke made up a plate for Lexa, with not as much as her own plate because she noticed Lexa doesn’t eat a lot. When she was cooking earlier she saw the hardly eaten tart in the fridge and if Lexa doesn’t even eat something she considers her favorite, then she wouldn’t be eating much dinner. Clarke went back down the hall and saw the brunette’s door open and Lexa still sitting in the same spot.  
  
“I brought food.” She announced softly as she sat next to Lexa. The brunette immediately perked up and looked at her.  
  
“Thank you Clarke. It smells great. You must be a good cook.” Lexa complimented her, taking a big bite and the blonde smiled happily at seeing her eat.  
  
“Thanks.” She beamed, taking her own bite and moaning at her creation. “Wow I’m good.” Clarke muttered and Lexa began laughing. They sat in her room eating quietly, enjoying the peace, until Samuel came running into the room at top speed demanding his own taste. Lexa took another bite of hers and gave him her plate, leaving a few slops of lasagna for him.  
  
“I have to take him out after this, but what do you want to do tonight?” Lexa asked her as she sat cross legged and looked at Clarke. She found herself smiling at Lexa, admiring the view. “Clarke?” She asked.  
  
“What?” She replied embarrassed, ducking her face and stuffing a bite of lasagna into her mouth to pass the moment. Lexa just grinned and motioned for her to follow.  
  
“I was wondering what you wanted to do tonight, but also I was hoping to see your room?” Lexa asked in an excited voice. Clarke immediately nodded and went into the kitchen to drop off her plate and wrap up the dinner, putting it into the fridge. She walked back to the hall where Lexa stood bouncing on her heels, Samuel too. Clarke was so happy seeing them waiting there, for her. It was almost overwhelming how much she felt for the pair already. Clarke passed the two and went to open the door, curling her finger to invite them in and couldn’t help but smile at Lexa’s blush.  
  
“Wow. You did a great job with it already. The green suits you.” Lexa commented, looking around the already set up room. There were picture frames on the walls, showing photos of Clarke as a little girl with her dad in most of those. Others had Clarke and O and Raven doing silly things. She had school dance pictures up and she noticed Lexa’s blush grew deeper upon seeing them. The rest of the pictures were Clarke in bathing suits at the beach, hanging out on the hood of Raven’s cars, just fun memory photos and Lexa studied each one. Clarke was sat on her tall bed enjoying seeing Lexa review her life through pictures.  
  
After a few minutes of analyzing her room Lexa seemed content to move on. Once in the kitchen again, the clock read 7:30 p.m. and Lexa announced she and Samuel were going to go on a run. Clarke hastily rushed out what she’d been meaning to tell the girl.  
  
“Lexa I forgot to tell you or maybe I already did but I actually take MMA classes on Tuesdays and Fridays. I have a class in half an hour and it ends at 9, but after that we can do anything you want. Like Netflix.” Clarke smiled, knowing that’s exactly what Lexa wanted to do. The brunettes face lit up upon hearing the news.  
  
“MMA? No I don’t think you did. That explains why you’re so healthy and strong,” Lexa said in a serious tone but Clarke couldn’t help but laugh.  
  
“Oh my god. Um yeah probably.” She blushed hard.  
  
“Well that’s very cool, Clarke. I hope you have a good lesson, maybe I will come and see you train sometime.” Lexa told her as she tied up her running shoes.  
  
“Ok totally, yeah. Sure. That sounds good.” Clarke stuttered out, feeling nervous at the idea of Lexa seeing her fight in her spandex shorts and sports bra, knocking out others. She could tell Lexa didn’t like violence, so she wasn’t sure why the girl would want to see her. “Only if you’re sure, sometimes it’s messy.” She told her earnestly.  
  
“I can imagine. As long as you do your best to be safe, I don’t mind.” Lexa began opening the door and nodded her goodbyes, Samuel hot on her trail.  
  
Clarke went into her own room to change into her gear, excited to go work out her anger. She had a lesson on Friday but since then quite a lot has happened so she was rearing to fight someone. Fifteen minutes later Clarke left the apartment to get to the gym. She arrived 5 minutes early and smiled at her training friends.  
  
The group was made up of a tall, muscular guy named Lincoln who was the trainer, a red headed girl named Harper who she noticed was the one at Lexa’s shop earlier and the girl smiled at her, another girl named Emori who strikingly resembled a super model, much like her friend Octavia who was also in the class. Octavia joined after she watched Clarke in a fight once and saw how attractive Lincoln was, so here she is. The rest of the group were just three boys, a smart alec named John who went only by Murphy, his pal Nyko and another boy Quint. Clarke assumed they simply joined so they could be the arrogant assholes they usually are in class.  
  
Once 8:00 p.m. came Lincoln split them all up into pairs to begin their faux fights. Murphy with Nyko, Octavia and Lincoln, Emori and Quint, lastly Harper and Clarke. Clarke kind of wanted to fight one of the boys this time around because she was feeling some serious pent up rage, but once she explained that to Harper the girl nodded and said she could handle it. She wasn’t feeling so great either as she was recently rejected twice. The girls agreed to not go easy on each other and twenty minutes later that proved true.  
  
Clarke had landed multiple blows on Harper’s body, only catching her face once as it’s mainly frowned upon to break someone’s nose during class. The red head managed to get a few good kicks into Clarke’s side and it hit her tattoo at point, forcing Clarke to call for a break. The rest of the pairs continued fighting, grunting sounds and the smell of sweat filling the air.  
  
“Shit I’m so sorry Clarke. I didn’t know you just got a tattoo!” Harper apologized, examining the damage done. It hardly was effected but the pain was brutal, stinging and sharp in her bones.  
  
“It’s alright Harper really, my roommate Lexa is the artist so it’ll be fine.” Clarke assured her. The girl turned ashen at hearing the name though.  
  
“Lexa? Like Lexa Heda?” Clarke quirked her brow and nodded slowly. “Fuck. She’s the girl who rejected me twice. Does she have a girlfriend or something?” Harper asked, suddenly very close to Clarke and anxious sounding. The blonde felt a pit in her stomach, unsure how to answer and a hint of jealousy for some reason.  
  
“No she doesn’t. She doesn’t really date I don’t think but honestly I just moved in with her so I can’t tell you much.” Clarke told her vaguely, hoping the girl who get the hint. She didn’t.  
  
“Are you the girl she’s interested in? She told me no because she said she liked someone.” Clarke felt her heart rise in her throat with hope but she managed to keep a blank face.  
  
“I truly don’t know, Harper. She’s just my roommate.” She said honestly. The girl nodded a few times and huffed. “Do you still want to fight?” Clarke asked, hoping she didn’t ruin the moment too much.  
  
“Yes.” Harper answered surely, with a fire in her eye. Clarke put her gloves back on and they took their positions. Skirting and juking around the other the girls got a little dance going, waiting for a moment to strike. That time came a minute later when Clarke went in for a backside kick and Harper dodged it, landing a violent sucker punch on Clarke’s jaw. The blonde immediately looked at the girl with angry, questioning eyes and she noticed the troubled glint in Harper’s.  
  
 _Two can play that game_ she thought as she went in for a fake punch that Harper dodged quickly, not seeing Clarke’s foot coming behind her leg and tripping her right onto her back so the wind was forced out of her. Harper choked on the lack of air as Clarke ripped her gloves off and left the ring to find a wet paper towel.  
  
“Ladies ladies! What the hell was that?” Lincoln reprimanded, jumping into the box and pulling Harper to her feet, as he looked at Clarke. The rest of the group had paused their fights too and were watching. Clarke huffed as she held her bleeding lip and Harper glared at the ground. Lincoln looked between the two of them and then to the clock. 8:40 p.m. “You two work on your own, hit the bags for the rest of class.” He ordered.  
  
Clarke happily took her place at one of the heavyweight punching bags and began wrapping her knuckles. A minute later she was aggressively pounding her fists into the bag. She was throwing all her weight into every swing and kick, sweating profusely but feeling lighter with each hit. When 9:00 p.m. she took one last look at the group gathering their things and she saw Harper staring at her as she got hers. Clarke smirked at the girl then turned back to her bag, jumping into a spin around double kick which resounded throughout the gym. She landed in a crouch and just got up slowly and angrily.  
  
Clarke felt like she could go another hour, so she did. She told Lincoln she’d see him Friday and apologized for her behavior, explaining she’s had a rough few days. The gym has cleared out and besides the owner, Indra, whom Clarke is very close with, she’s the only one training this late. She asks to put on her music and chooses her mad playlist. The first song is a heavy metal, screamo song called Gospel by Knocked Loose and Clarke finds herself beating the hell out of a punching bag while head banging to the rapid beat. Her anger just grows with every hit and soon she’s sweating harder than ever before as she lands kick after kick into a bag.  
  
As the middle of the song approaches, the heavy drums and guitar and screams fill her mind and give her strength. She’s feeling sick with all the rage inside her and makes her way to the trampoline floor. Clarke runs on the floor, moving to the beat of the fast crescendo and angry words. She starts off in a run, falling into a cartwheel then a round off, followed by two back flips and at the end of the runway is a heavy punching bag acting as an enemy and she slams her whole body into the bag, making it swing wildly on its chain.  
  
The song sings out, _‘But you, you’ve got it all figured out! You’re counting down the days! What makes you so certain you’re the one to be saved?!’_ she screams every word with them, feeling her anger dissipate as she does a few more runs down the floor. Each full body hit into the bag tires her out more and by 9:50 p.m. she’s laying on the floor breathing heavily and letting the sweat dry cold on her skin. The music is still blasting, now Down with the Sickness is on and Clarke stands to head over to the sound system.  
  
She stops in her tracks upon seeing a certain brunette staring at her from a bench near the front. Clarke’s heart skips a beat wondering how much Lexa has seen. Her stomach bubbles with shame, knowing she’d just spend the past hour here rather than with Lexa like she said she would. The blonde makes her way over to Lexa, forgetting momentarily how she’s dressed and how her hair looks like a wild mess.  
  
“Hi…” Clarke started quietly. “I’m really sorry it’s so late. I lost track of time.” She explained. Lexa just looked at her blankly.  
  
“Is something wrong? You’ve been beating the shit out of everything in sight for an hour Clarke. Never mind that was the angriest music I’ve ever heard.” The blonde frowned and just looked around her gym, it was like a second home to her. Somewhere she could take out her feelings on, no matter what she felt. Anger, sadness, too much happiness, she comes here to let it out. Clarke didn’t exactly have emotional issues, but she just felt everything, making it hard to reign it in sometimes. Tonight had been all about Abby and Costia. She pretended the bags were their bodies as she hit them with all her strength.  
  
“Nothing’s really wrong. I just need to let things out sometimes.” Clarke told her honestly as she rubbed her neck. Lexa stood and raised her hand to her cheek, shocking Clarke with how gentle she was.  
  
“Something tells me a punching bag didn’t do this to you.” She said evenly as she rubbed a thumb over Clarke’s bottom lip, making the blonde blush. She snagged a soft kiss on Lexa’s thumb and smiled before pulling away to gather her things.  
  
“This girl Harper I train with decided to punch me in the face after hearing you were my roommate. No biggie.” Clarke grinned making Lexa widen her eyes.  
  
“You’re kidding right? Clarke I’m so sorry.” She said guiltily. Clarke turned to her and shook her head, placing her hand on her shoulder.  
  
“I’d take a hit any day for you, especially if it means you’re the one not getting hit. She seems a little wacky, I’m glad you said no.” Clarke laughed, then walked into Indra’s office for a minute to say goodnight and thank her for letting her stay. As she walked out she saw Lexa staring with her eyes on the floor. Clarke slowly took her hand to lead her from the gym into the cold night air. She shivered right away as her mostly revealed body covered in goose bumps. Before she got a chance to do anything Lexa swung her own coat over her shoulders and Clarke looked to the girl with a smile. “Come on, let’s get back to Samuel. Did you drive?” She asked looking for the brunette’s car and seeing none.  
  
“No, it’s close enough to walk.” Then she began walking a few feet away before Clarke started laughing.  
  
“Lexa are you kidding me now? Get in my car.” Clarke told her and the brunette just smiled as she did so.


	7. Rollercoaster of Emotions

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> By the end of the week Clarke and Lexa have gotten used to each other, but Lexa doesn't know if she can handle this new chapter of okayness in her life. Clarke loses her cool once more, but hopefully they can come back to each other.  
> Basically: emotionsemotionsemotions.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Maybe I'm too dramatic but here ya go.  
> The song 'Float My Boat' is not mine nor my lyrics. They are Eliza Jane Taylor's and if you haven't heard the song I suggest you go youtube it so you have an idea of the awesomeness when it's mentioned.

Wednesday and Thursday passed by without incident. Lexa woke, Clarke had breakfast made, the two went their separate ways and at the end of the night they were together again. It was something so simple Lexa wonders how she went all of her life without being by Clarke’s side. So far her single only downfall is being so busy and even after half a week Lexa misses her boisterous presence. The girl has school every day, then works on Wednesday, Thursday, and Friday and has MMA lessons on Tuesdays and Fridays. When she came back to the house the previous night Clarke looked like a zombie walking, something she says is a usual for her.  
  
Lexa couldn’t fight her need to do something for her. So when she came dragging herself back into the living room to watch Netflix, Lexa ended up letting the blonde rest her head on her lap and she fell asleep right away. Lexa and Samuel spent the rest of the night playing with Clarke’s hair and watching The Flash. When Lexa had to bring Clarke to her room to sleep she had to lift the blonde to do so and the way Clarke felt in her arms made Lexa’s heart skip a beat. She had tucked Clarke in and just watched her sleep for a few minutes before she herself went to bed, missing the girl’s warmth.  
  
That’s why now, as she lay in bed on a Friday morning at six a.m., she’s rethinking this arrangement. It’s only the fourth day of having her around and Lexa’s world has already shifted for the better, but the crevice in her glacier has begun melting. She feels it inside her and she’s terrified. Every time Clarke looks at her with her blue eyes she carves her name deeper into Lexa’s bones. Hearing her voice sends shivers down her spine and trembles in her muscles. Her smile makes Lexa feel like she’s seeing fireworks and… she’s scared of it. Horrified of what it means. Apprehensive about the future. Anxious about the present. Paralyzed.  
  
The sun isn’t golden today nor are its tendrils warm. It screams October and death. Her lungs breathe in cold air and freeze inside her chest as she tries to scream out. No sound comes and she’s flailing in the abyss. She forces herself to stand, despite the ache of her heart and pounding in her head telling her to stay in bed, never get up, never see Clarke, and don’t do anything. Anything at all. Though she can’t listen to that voice or she’d never move on. She’d never feel light again and right now as she walks through her apartment, trying to pretend she’s alone, she can still feel the life in her house.  
  
Ever since Clarke moved in, in four days she’s managed to make Lexa’s pristine flat into a war zone. The blonde has textbooks strewn about the living room, shoes tucked away in weird spots and not the designated shoe area at the front. Clarke’s smell lingers in the air, like strength and courage and warm vanilla all at once and it’s the most comforting scent Lexa knows. Her kitchen is stocked with Clarke’s healthy food, and there’s always new recipes printed out on the counters waiting for a chance to be made. Lexa stands in the middle of the room and wonders when Clarke made herself at home or if she’s always been at home when she’s with Lexa.  
  
The blonde is so much better at expressing herself, she feels so much. She feels everything Lexa does and more yet she’s able to live every day like it’s the only one. Clarke doesn’t plan things too far ahead and she doesn’t dwell on the past. Lexa envies her for many reasons, the biggest reason is her confidence. She’s thankful Clarke has such a good ego because someone who knows they’re as beautiful as she does would usually make her skin crawl. Lexa would usually want to push them as far away from herself as possible so the brunette didn’t get trapped in her thoughts about how not beautiful she was. Her envy only goes so deep though, because Clarke is too kind for any of Lexa’s insecure feelings and she knows Clarke is doing her best to change that.  
  
Minutes have passed and Lexa still stands in the center of the room, the apex between the kitchen and dining room and living room. Her mind is in disarray and her body doesn’t feel like it’s hers. Samuel wasn’t even with her to bring her back, as he stayed in Clarke’s bed the night before. Another changing factor, Samuel was no longer only hers. The blonde loved him fully and Lexa was happy for that. At least as happy as she could feel in this moment; when her heart is numb and her mind is fogged and she’s thinking the worst. Finally, Lexa decides to go on a run, hoping it will clear her head. Pleading it will.  
  
Running in the ice cold air on a fall morning is the ideal wake up call. Or so you’d think. All Lexa knows is her feet are following each other, hitting the pavement one after the other but she’s not really there. Her soul feels like it’s above the clouds, looking down on her and her choices. _How did she end up here? Why is she where she is in life? Is this where she’s supposed to be?_ Questions crowd her thoughts and doubt fills in the cracks, followed by its friend’s hatred and fear. She knows her best option would be to end this all now, get Clarke the hell out of her life so Lexa can go back to floating on by in choppy waters and simply just wishing she had a crew to help her out.  
  
Her sailboat rocks on the waves of her mind, on the outskirts of the edge where she is and where she should be. She feels as if she’s fallen overboard and drowning below her ship. The bottom of the boat is black in the dark water, but the sun reaches deep still reflecting on her skin as she sinks. She kicks and kicks, thrashes in the water and tries to swim and break the surface. Instead her lungs beg for air and she swallows the rich, salt water and it brings her down faster now that she’s part of the ocean too. There’s no longer sun reaching where she is, instead the cold darkness surrounds her and she feels the vastness of nothing. There is nothing here, nothing for her, she is nothing. The nothingness consumes her and she falls into the void.  
  
Lexa doesn’t know how long she’s been running but her body is begging her to stop. Her ankles are sore, her feet feel like she has fire ants in her shoes, every stop threatening to split the raw flesh. She can no longer feel her heart pounding because it’s just too fast, beating against her ribs and threatening to explode inside her. The air has become numb as well, no longer invading her body and freezing the blood in her veins. Sounds are dulled, the passing traffic and other runners with their dogs. It reminds her of Samuel. _He should be here. With her. Clarke should be here too_ her brain supplies and Lexa chastises it. _No!_ She runs harder and faster and farther, refusing to stop. She needs to run away from this life she’s let happen. It won’t fix her, it will destroy her.  
  
***  
  
Clarke wakes up a little late and she has to rush her shower, hardly able to enjoy the hot water that falls down her body and washes away her stresses. Once she’s out she wears a white long sleeve over denim jeans and a grey sweater covered by her blue leather jacket. A black beanie tops her look, protecting her from the October wind. Clarke makes her way out to the kitchen and can’t stop the disappointment that fills her over Lexa’s lack of presence. Samuel follows her, breathing excitedly and hardly noticing his owner’s not there.  
  
The blonde takes the coonhound out for a quick walk and gets home in time to leave for school. Lexa still hasn’t come back from her run, which Clarke assumes is what she’s doing. She writes out a note for the brunette, wishing she was just there so Clarke could see her. Waking up to Lexa the past few days has been the best. Seeing her sleepy morning smile and messy brown hair falling carelessly over her shoulders. Clarke thinks herself the luckiest person alive to be the one who sees Lexa every day. It feels like Christmas.  
  
Going to school has become a chore, Clarke feels like she’s exhausted suddenly from everything in her life besides Lexa. She did well before, balancing school, working at the local daycare some days and taking her MMA lessons but now with Lexa in her life, Clarke only wants to spend her time with her. She finds herself thinking about the brunette everywhere she goes. Everything reminds her of Lexa and even when something doesn’t, she’s the first one Clarke wants to tell things too. It feels like the beginning of something great and Clarke can’t wait for it.  
  
Raven and Octavia help her get through the day, texting her throughout each class and keeping her entertained. Thankful for the weekend ahead, she hopes she can spend it with Lexa. Lexa, who hasn’t texted her or anything and she can’t help the empty feeling in her chest. Finally her last class ends and Clarke must head to work. She loves her job, she works at a small daycare just outside of the school district. Arriving just around 3:00 p.m. she starts her shift that ends at 6, when the parents come to pick up the kids.  
  
“Miss Clarke!!” A young boy, Atom, screams to her as she walks in and launches himself at her legs, wrapping around them like an octopus. She half trips before catching herself on the wall and giggles at his antics.  
  
“Atom! What are you doing? What did I tell you about tackling my legs?!” She peels the child off and kneels in front of him, smiling at his bright green eyes.  
  
“You said… you said it was bad to do!” He said surely and began ruffling her blonde hair.  
  
“Yes, it is. So is that! Because now I have to get you back!” She answers and the boy screams in mock terror, excitement filling his eyes as he runs away. Clarke chases after him, dodging other kids who are hysterical watching them. She catches the boy quickly due to his little legs and ruffles his hair back until his laugh fills the room. After they’ve all gotten settled, the owner of the daycare, Marcus Kane, announces it’s time for art. Marcus is a widow, having lost his wife and child in a fire many years ago when Clarke was young. He was their neighbor before it, but then he moved away to the outskirts of town before opening up the daycare facility.  
  
It was admirable, and Clarke loved working with him. No matter his losses he loves children and refused to let his past drag him down. He’s a big reason she likes to work here, other than the funny kids she loves so much. He’s like a second father, having been Jake’s good friend when her father was alive. So she works for him happily, not earning a lot but at least it’s enough to live on. She’s good at saving too, which she’s thankful for every Friday when she sees her check is usually a meager $150 or so. After working here for so many years she’s saved up a couple thousand dollars. Once she bought her car, she virtually had no worries. That is until she was kicked out, but now she will only split rent with Lexa and she felt happy about the way life was going.  
  
Art time is the kid’s favorite, of course. There’s never any particular thing to do, besides fill an easel with something colorful. Most of the kids do well, but there’s a select few who are too antsy to sit still for so long and they’re the ones Clarke has started music time for. They seem to do much better being able to create sounds and rhythms. It helps that Clarke is a great singer too, her husky low voice soothes the children when they become too excited with their instruments. The blonde decides to work on a song for them, and for a certain brunette. She gathers the kids around, asking them to tell her if they like it.  
  
She ends with a little extra strums on the guitar for emphasis and the kids erupt into cheers. Her heart swells with happiness and love for the kids, but more excitement to sing it to Lexa. Before she knows it 6 o’clock comes and the parents arrive to pick up their children.  
  
“Bye Miss Clarke! I love you!” Atom shrieks happily and Clarke can’t help the blush that breaks out at his cuteness.  
  
“I love you too Atom! Have a good weekend!” She tells him and smiles at his mother. The rest of the kids have cleared out by 6:20 p.m. and Marcus pulls Clarke to the side before she can leave.  
  
“Hey Clarke. I have something I’d like to ask you. As you know, I think of you as my second child.” He paused, letting her feel his words. “I want you know to know I heard about Abby’s little um, meltdown, for lack of a better word.” He grinned at her and she couldn’t stop the laugh that fell from her lips.  
  
“Right, meltdown. That’s a word for it.” Clarke said, feeling light for the first time when talking about her mom.  
  
“Yeah, well I think she never quite healed after Jake passed. That doesn’t mean she can treat you how she does, but I hope you forgive her one day Clarke. Anyway she isn’t what I want to talk about. I’m going to be moving away come the end of winter and I have a feeling these kids are still going to need a place to go during the day, as well the growing kids.” He nodded at his own words, as if thinking while speaking. “I wanted to know how you felt about taking over full time when I go. Of course I’m going to leave you with money to do so, so you’re not floundering in the dark. What do you think?” Marcus asked her seriously. Clarke could see the exhaustion in his eyes when they stood this close and had their conversations, but she’d never heard it in his voice. Now she noticed it, he was tired. Tired of so many things.  
  
“I—wow—that’s really something.” Clarke started, she was trying to arrange her thoughts quickly so he didn’t think she’d reject him. Truthfully she was excited about the prospect of it. She wants to go to college for music and go on her road trip when she graduates, but part of her wants this. To continue what she’s known and loved for so long and to be able to do this for Marcus. Surely she could do it all, go to school and come back, run the daycare and maybe even teach music lessons or what have you. Her heart starts pounding with her excitement. “Yes.” She tells him simply and his smile makes it worth it.  
  
Clarke drives through Polis with energy surging through her veins. She has a plan now, something etched in stone and she knows everything will be okay. Her heart still beats fast and she can’t wait to tell Lexa as she parks the car outside the apartment building. Lexa’s car is still there so she knows the brunette can’t be out somewhere, but walking up the stairs all she hears is silence. Clarke opens the front door and immediately hears barking coming out of the dark flat, Samuel runs to her dancing around her happily.  
  
Apparently Lexa hadn’t come back at all she thought as she hurried Samuel outside to go to the bathroom because he’d been holding it since she left this morning. She couldn’t understand what was happening, why was Lexa not there? Clarke brings him back upstairs and gives him his dinner before running down to the open studio below to see if Lexa is there. Bellamy looks surprised to see her as she flings the door open.  
  
“Clarke? You know we’re closing in like twenty minutes.” He tells her. She just nods and walks past him, straight to Lexa’s space. More darkness in an empty room and her stomach drops, now feeling like something was wrong.  
  
“Bellamy where is Lexa?” Clarke barks as she stalks up to the desk.  
  
“Um she called in sick today. I thought she was upstairs?” The boy says in a question tone. Clarke can’t help the growl that escapes her, thinking about Lexa somewhere alone, maybe hurt.  
  
“No, she’s not. Call Anya now and find out if she’s heard from her. I’m going to go look for her.” Clarke says in a huff and storms out, jumping into her car and beginning her search down Main Street. She has no idea where Lexa goes when she’s feeling bad. They’ve hardly had the time for something like that to come up and Clarke is feeling hopeless as she scours in the dark for over an hour. Her phone starts ringing and she swerves her wheel on accident, pulling herself out of a trance she was in.  
  
“Hello?” She answers eagerly.  
  
“Clarke? This is Anya. Lexa is with me, she says she’s not coming back to the apartment tonight. It isn’t my place to tell you anything else but she says to not worry and please take care of Samuel until she returns.” Clarke’s heart sinks further with every word, breaking in her chest.  
  
“W-was it me? Have I done something?” She can’t help but ask, fearing the worst.  
  
“No, Clarke. Lexa has her own demons. Just take care of Samuel and she’ll come back when she’s ready. I have to go, and Clarke? Thanks for caring about her.” Then she hangs up all while Clarke’s heart breaks again. Her eyes start crying on their own accord before she can stop it and she notices the clock glows 7:58 p.m. and all she can think about is how she’s supposed to be at the gym but she wants to be with Lexa. She wants Lexa to want to be with her too but she knows she doesn’t. Clarke just knows she has done something and can’t stop the guilt that eats her away. Not one for quitting or cancelling she forces herself to drive to the gym, blinking away tears with every passing minute before she arrives. She’s late, she’s angry, she’s sad, scared and she doesn’t care at all in that moment.  
  
Lincoln understands she doesn’t want to work with anyone tonight, so he lets her hit the bags to work off what she’s feeling. Clarke hardly takes a breath between every blow she lands and her improperly taped fists bleed from the impact. She can’t stop the shake that accompanies her chest, rattling as she heaves air into her lungs just to expel it out again. Her tears fall freely as she fights the bag, pretending it’s herself. She knows she did something wrong, but she can’t figure out what. _Why would Lexa refuse to come back to her own apartment and take care of her own dog?_ She is why. Clarke moved in before Lexa was ready for anything and now it’s her fault Lexa is crumbling. She kicks the bag as hard as she can, forcing all her strength into it and the blow knocks the bag off the chain with a loud metal echo throughout the gym. Clarke is breathing deeply, her nostrils flaring as she grinds her jaw and stares at the fallen bag like it is an enemy.  
  
“Clarke? What the hell’s going on with you?” She hears a concerned voice ask, but the blood rushing in her ears makes her think it’s nothing but a bug. She continues staring at the punching bag, setting it on fire in her head but then a hand is on her shoulder and she flips. Clarke turns on her heel, grabbing the hand and ripping the person over her shoulder using a roll move and starts pounding into them below her. Her eyes are too enraged and she’s seeing only red, feeling only anger at herself but she can’t stop. Before she gets another violent, bloody punch into the intruder she’s ripped off of them by strong arms and held tight with her own arms pressed to her chest.  
  
“Stop it! Calm yourself down Clarke!” Lincoln orders her, restricting all her movements even as she kicks and hisses and screams into the air.  
  
“Fuck you! Fuck you! Let me go!” She wails loudly over and over as she squirms in his grip, exhausting herself from all the effort. She can see now Octavia is bent over a red head, Harper, who’s extra red now with all the blood. Clarke slows her movements, slowly letting the world come back and she breathes evenly, Lincoln still holding her like she’s a rabid animal. Clarke falls limp in his grip, suddenly too tired to stand and he falls with her, cradling her back against his chest as she curls into herself. “I’m sorry. I’m so sorry.” She repeats in a broken voice, relieved the anger has passed but now she’s flooded with sadness. It’s a never ending cycle of emotions with her.  
  
“It’s okay Clarke. It’s okay.” Lincoln tells her into her hair as she buries herself in him to hide from her shame. Octavia comes over and kneels in front of her, looking at her with worried eyes.  
  
“I’m going to take you home Clarke, you can get your car tomorrow. Lexa will be worried if you stay late again.” Clarke couldn’t help the dry laugh that came out hearing that. Lexa wouldn’t be worried, Lexa couldn’t give a shit about her right now.  
  
“Fuck her. She’s gone.” Clarke tries her best to sound angry but it comes out tiny and choked. Lincoln begins unwrapping her from him, handing her over to Octavia who just lifts her easily into her arms and shushes her cries. They make it to Octavia’s car without a problem before Clarke loses it again. “She hates me O! She’s so miserable because I’m there, I know it. I have to move out. Please help me move my things out.” Clarke cries, her voice getting louder with need.  
  
“You moved in four days ago Clarke! Lexa would be even more miserable if you leave her! She’s had it hard you said. You know it’s going to take some time for her to get used to having someone around.” Octavia pleads and tries to get Clarke to listen. The blonde knows she’s right, but can’t shake the feeling she’s burdening Lexa. They make it back to the apartment and Samuel is so happy to see them he howls as he circles around their feet. Octavia brings him out for her while Clarke gets ready for bed, ignoring the hunger in her stomach and washing her bloody, bruised hands. She does her best to clean up all of her possessions that are laying about, hoping to minimize her existence in the house. When O brings him back up she asks if Clarke wants her to stay, but she doesn’t. If Lexa comes back to them both there it would probably upset her even more. She says goodnight and thanks her friend for helping her, and she and Samuel curl up in the center of Lexa’s queen bed. Breathing in her smell and going to sleep with tears still falling.  
  
***  
  
Lexa wakes up in an unfamiliar room, the scent of pancakes and bacon wafting through the air and she finds herself following the smell. She realizes after a few seconds she’s at Anya’s and she tries to remember the night before. After running for literally hours the brunette found herself on Anya’s stoop, waiting for her to come home so Lexa didn’t have to go back to her own house. Her friend saw the state she was in, disheveled hair, vacant eyes. Lexa wasn’t there and she knew it so she let her in. The brunette made her way onto the bed in the guest room and lay for hours before her friend joined her.  
  
She tried her best to explain to Anya what she was feeling. Overwhelming fear, paralyzing anger over her fear. The thing about Lexa is even when things are going well, even when her week starts with her smiling it can end with her falling. The brunette loses herself in the sea of commotion, blocking it all out rather than facing it head on and dealing with it. It’s the worst thing about her, her cowardice. If she could face her feelings, she could defeat them, but she didn’t know how to even start facing them.  
  
Anya told her Clarke showed up at the shop looking for her and was so confused and hurt by Lexa’s absence. She felt Clarke’s emotions in her chest, aching for making her feel like that. All she wanted now was to see the blonde, to try her best to explain everything that was so wrong with her.  
  
“Morning.” Anya calls to her as she enters the girl’s immaculate, white kitchen with stainless steel appliances. Lexa squints at the brightness and scrunches her nose at the overpowering smell of bacon. She wants nothing more than to leave.  
  
“Good morning. I appreciate you letting me stay, Anya, but I’ll be going now.” Lexa said as she began putting her shoes on and already leaving before her friend could answer. Seconds later Anya yells out the hallway before Lexa’s made it to the bottom.  
  
“Lexa I have to drive you! You live too far, hold on!” And Lexa does, she waits, anxious to see Clarke and apologize. She hopes the blonde will forgive her, she hopes Clarke dealt with it better than she did. Crying all night and feeling shame and sadness. They get into Anya’s car and begin driving in the quiet of the morning, the air is crisp and Lexa shivers in her seat, thinking of what she’s going to say. As they pull up Anya tries to say something but Lexa is already slamming the door and running up the stairs to get into the building.  
  
It’s quiet and feels empty as she walks in the hallway to her front door. She’s afraid she forced Clarke away already and she’s scared she’ll open the door and find nothing of the blonde’s. Her fears are confirmed as she unlocks it and begins into the apartment, and sees no shoes thrown about or loose papers or textbooks. Her heart is pounding and she feels her eyes water with tears that want to fall. Lexa strides into the room that is/was Clarke’s and breathes a sigh of relief to find all of her things are in there, but not Clarke.  
  
Lexa continues down to her own room where the door is closed. As she slowly creaks it open, she can’t help the next sigh of relief upon seeing her favorite blonde and Samuel snuggled together in the center of her big bed. Clarke is leaned against the headboard with her knees lazily pulled up and Samuel is nuzzled in the space with his head resting on her shoulder, where her head too rests on his. She’s fully dressed in sleep clothes, actually she’s wearing the band tee Lexa let her wear on Monday night and she can’t help the flutter in her stomach at seeing Clarke wear her clothes.  
  
She silently sits on the bed, surprised her dog hasn’t already sensed her and woken up, grateful nonetheless because Clarke looks exhausted. The girl’s eyes are puffy and red and it hurts Lexa to know she made her this upset. Clarke hadn’t handled it any better than she did at all. Lexa’s gaze trails down the pale, strong arms to her small hands, littered in bruises and cuts. Her breath catches as she realizes Clarke most likely did this to herself the night before at her MMA class. The blonde must have fought with all the severity she could muster to get those wounds. Lexa can’t wait any longer and she kneels in front of them closer, reaching for Clarke’s hair to brush it out of her face.  
  
“Clarke, wake up. I’m here now.” Lexa says to the sleeping girl as she lets a hand sit on her jaw gently. Clarke doesn’t stir and Lexa takes a second to admire her beauty. Even when she’s been crying and fighting the blonde looks like an angel to her. Samuel wakes though and after a second he’s pulled his head out from under Clarke and begins licking Lexa happily. The blonde’s head falls for a second before she jolts awake. Her blue eyes blink a few times and Lexa watches as she slowly recognizes her.  
  
“Lexa? You’re home?” A tiny voice rasps and Lexa finally lets her tears fall at hearing how small she sounds and hearing Clarke call the apartment home. Clarke makes no effort to move toward her or away, and Lexa’s at least happy for that.  
  
“Yes. I—I’m sorry for being gone Clarke. I’m sorry I left you alone.” The words fall easily and Lexa doesn’t even remember the speech she prepared. Lexa wipes her face and takes a deep breath, not caring about the mess she must look like. “Please forgive me. I’m weak Clarke. I’m scared of everything and I don’t know how to handle this…” She admits weakly and Clarke just surges forward into her arms. Lexa exhales harshly in relief at feeling her so close.  
  
“It’s okay Lexa.” Clarke tells her, hugging her hard and tight and keeping her safe. The brunette can’t help but shake her head, disagreeing with her.  
  
“No it isn’t. In no way is it okay that I just up and left you with Samuel, alone without an explanation and then you go and do this—” Lexa takes the blondes hands softly, looking sadly at her knuckles. “I should’ve known we’d both fall apart.” Her voice is edged with sobs and Clarke moves into her kneeling lap, wrapping her legs around her and holding Lexa close. Lexa allows her hands to travel up Clarke’s back, feeling her breathe before winding them into the soft blonde hair.  
  
“No, you shouldn’t have left me alone, but it is okay Lexa. We both have demons, and if we want this to work we need to get them all out. I’m not asking you to tell me now, but I am asking you tell me when you’re feeling overwhelmed. We’re both pretty intense with our feelings and it isn’t going to be easy to change that.” Clarke was still wrapped around her like a koala and Lexa felt the girl’s wet eyes on her skin. She knew she was right. It was going to take effort, time, energy and persistence. They could not heal each other in 5 days, but given more time than they can. Lexa knows she can if she has Clarke.  
  
***  
  
Clarke is so happy Lexa came back to the apartment so soon. She was afraid she’d wake up alone again, something that makes her heart ache to think about. Her hands burn with pain from the night before as she stands in the bathroom rinsing them again. She can’t help the little tears of stinging pain that drip when she blinks.  
  
“Clarke? Are you okay?” Lexa asks her sweetly as she peers into the bathroom where she’s been for five minutes now.  
  
“Yeah, I’m just trying to clean my hands but it hurts.” She faked a laugh at herself, trying to hide her shaky voice and how unsure she was still feeling. Lexa came walking in, looking equally as exhausted and somehow a little skinnier than she was a day ago.  
  
“Let me help. It’s my fault after all.” She says glumly as she opens the mirror cabinet and pulls out Neosporin. Clarke wants to disagree… but truly it was Lexa’s fault she’d gone to the gym so angry and hurt herself. If Lexa had just been open with her by telling her she was uncomfortable with the pace of everything then Clarke could’ve gone and stayed with Octavia or Raven for the weekend, giving her time alone. “I’m sorry Clarke. I can’t say it enough. I just didn’t know what to do. You’re so happy here and I’m—”  
  
“Miserable. I get it Lexa. I just—why couldn’t you tell me yesterday? Or Thursday? Or day one? The last thing I want is to make you feel worse. I wanted to help you get better, Lexa! I don’t know how to help if you won’t even try to let me. I’ll move out if that’s what you need.” Clarke took her hands away and balled them up, ignoring the pain. Her nerves were going crazy over the idea of Lexa agreeing for her to leave. She didn’t actually want to go but Lexa was closing in on herself right in front of her and it was making her heart race. “Please please, Lexa. Talk to me.” She pleaded.  
  
“I don’t want you to go.” Lexa said in a tiny voice, not looking at her eyes.  
  
“You don’t?” She asked, surprised and Lexa sighed hard.  
  
“No, Clarke. The reason I left is not because I’m miserable but because you make me so happy. I—I don’t deserve to feel happy, don’t you get it? The only person I’ve ever cared about made me hate myself. I don’t deserve another chance with someone who makes me feel the opposite. It’s not in my plan.” Clarke stared at her incredulously, jaw dropping ever so.  
  
“You are so wrong. You absolutely deserve every bit of happiness because of what you’ve been through. I swear to god if I could I would murder that bitch who hurt you. Lexa I’ll do anything for you. Anything. Just tell me and I’ll do it. I just want you to be okay again.” Clarke stepped into her bubble and looked up at the taller girl with big blue eyes. Lexa finally looked at her and her heart hurt to see the unshed tears. “Please let me in.”  
  
Lexa finally sighed hard and just hugged around her, wrapping her arms tightly until Clarke was fully pressed against her. The warmth of her made her grin into the brunette’s shoulder and she held Lexa’s small waist.  
  
“You’re so little, why?” Clarke couldn’t help but ask as her hands were able to hold around the girl’s hips. She’d noticed Lexa was skinny before, always lithe and slender but she just felt boney now and Clarke didn’t like feeling like she could hurt her if she wasn’t careful. Lexa laughed lightly and let her hands trail up Clarke’s arms, giving her goosebumps.  
  
“Let’s just say I ran like fifteen miles yesterday and have eaten nothing.” Clarke gasped a little as she pulled away, rubbing her thumbs over her hipbones.  
  
“Then it is definitely time for breakfast, and you’re eating all the bacon.” She told her surely and slid her hand up the girl's side to pull Lexa’s face down and kiss her cheek. She smiled as she felt Lexa shiver. “Come on tiny.”  
  
They walked into the kitchen with a happy Samuel bouncing at their feet. Lexa was wearing leggings and an oversized shirt from Thursday night that she hadn’t changed out of in a day. Clarke began preparing waffle mix with chocolate chips and extra bacon. As the brunette came over to offer help she couldn’t help but smile at how domesticated it felt now.  
  
“You can help by taking a shower and relaxing Lexa.” Clarke joked with her, poking her tummy and shooing her away. “I’ll do everything today, okay?” Lexa groaned as she walked out of the kitchen and Clarke laughed.  
  
She hoped this would be a good start to Lexa beginning to feel better with her around. It was hard to believe the day before Lexa practically disappeared because she was so happy with Clarke there, instead of being miserable that she was. The brunette sure had some healing to do if her mind made her think she didn’t deserve happiness because of the horrors she’s survived. In Clarke’s head it made no fucking sense at all that Lexa would reject something that could make her happy. Who willingly chose to feel like they didn’t belong somewhere? It just hurt her heart to know Lexa believed she was undeserving of something as simple as love.  
  
And Clarke knew she loved her. She’d loved the girl for 3 years even when she didn’t know her or had even heard her voice. That’s what made her so upset and angry that Lexa ditched her the day before. Leaving her alone in her own apartment with her dog because she couldn’t handle the feeling of lightness that Clarke gave her. At least it was that though, and not because Lexa actually wanted her gone. It wasn’t because she actually was worse with Clarke there. She just didn’t know how to be okay again. The blonde vowed to make Lexa happy, truly happy and not overwhelm her by doing it all at once.  
  
As much as she wants to kiss Lexa every time she sees her she knows she can’t and she’s at least grateful she can fight it. If she gave in to what she felt she’d surely make Lexa run for the hills. Clarke heard a buzz from her phone on the counter and she made sure to lower the heat on the stove for the bacon before checking. Her heart sank as she read the message.  
  
**Lincoln (9:03 a.m.) Listen Clarke, yesterday was unacceptable. I don’t know what’s gotten into you lately, but I can’t have it in my class anymore. I hope you understand. Harper is hurt because of your actions and my lesson was disrupted for the second time this week as well. Please come back in a few months if you’re still willing, but take a break. See you around Clarke.**  
  
Her stomach bottomed out and she felt her world spin. Now how could she blow off steam? What the fuck was she supposed to do? Clarke felt herself being overwhelmed by all of her emotions once again. Samuel sat close to her where she was kneeled on the floor and he whined in response.  
“It’s fine Sam. Go see Lexa, please. Go.” She tried to shoo him away but he just nuzzled closer, not letting her be alone. The bacon began sizzling loudly and she knew Lexa would be coming back out soon. After a minute of breathing deeply and forcing herself to shove away the queasy feeling, she flipped over the bacon and put some waffle mix into the maker to finish up breakfast. Just as the first waffle finished Lexa came into the kitchen humming away. Clarke wanted to smile but she still felt uneasy from being kicked out of MMA now too. Life just hated her lately it seemed. She exhaled deeply as she felt Lexa come up behind her.  
  
“Hi.” Lexa whispered as she laid her chin on her shoulder and Clarke burned red at the proximity. She was glad to see Lexa look so happy.  
  
“Hi.” She smiled as she turned around and faced her. The brunette rested her hands on Clarke’s hips and kissed her temple, making her redder and smile like an idiot. Clarke wanted to kiss her back but figured that’d be too much too soon. “I hope you’re hungry.” She decided to keep her getting kicked from class to herself, not wanting to burden Lexa anymore with guilt.  
  
“Very hungry.” Lexa grinned as she shoved a piece of bacon into her mouth, making Clarke laugh. They both took their plates and began getting food, Samuel waiting his turn patiently. Clarke couldn’t help her happiness at seeing Lexa eat her food. Anything she could do for the girl made her feel better. Once they’d finished up after a while, Lexa began washing the dishes since Clarke cooked. The blonde sat on the couch watching her, thinking about what they could do today. She wanted to do something that would be relaxing for both of them. Lexa eventually finished and came over to the couch too, plopping down next to her and Clarke grinned.  
  
“So, do you have any ideas of what we could do today? Maybe bring Samuel for a walk at the nature reserve?”  
  
“Hmm. I don’t remember saying we could spend the day together.” Lexa said seriously and Clarke’s heart plummeted.  
  
“Oh. Yeah of course. I’m sorry I assumed anything. I’m kind of out of it still. I hope you have a good day whatever you do, Lexa.” Clarke told her with a faint smile, unable to hide her disappointment. She rose off the couch and began walking back to her room alone. Clarke laid on her bed, groaning and feeling stupid for thinking Lexa would want to hang out with her after everything the past day. She buried her face into her pillows, feeling tears sting her eyes. A weight settled in next to her and she just buried herself deeper. An arm made its way around her waist and she jumped. “What are you doing?”  
  
“Apparently I’m not good at being funny because I was completely kidding, Clarke. I’m sorry beautiful girl.” Lexa whispered into her hair and Clarke shuddered. The brunette had never called her beautiful or said anything nice to her like that. She laughed anyway at the fact Lexa was trying to make a joke and she took it seriously.  
  
“Wow. Yeah you really suck at humor Lexa. You scared the shit out of me.” Clarke told her, turning to face her in her bed and she saw Lexa’s grin. She playfully pushed her onto her back and made a bold decision to crawl on top of her. Clarke straddled the brunette and leaned into her space, feeling a thousand times better all of a sudden. “Now you owe me. We’re definitely going to the nature reserve today. You get no more say.” Lexa gulped and trailed her eyes down to Clarke’s lips, making the blonde grin deviously. “First, I have a surprise for you.” Then she rolled off, feet hitting the floor and she went to get her guitar from the corner of her room. Lexa sat up lazily and watched her as she got back onto the bed, sitting crisscrossed in front of her. “Ready?” Lexa quirked her brow and nodded.  
  
Clarke took a deep breath, trying to gather her courage as she strummed the first chord. She wasn’t sure how Lexa would like her singing and that made her very nervous but she wanted to show her the song she wrote for her.  
  
  
_You say I’ve changed your life_  
_But you did it, all by yourself_  
_You are so, wonderful_  
_I, hope you know_  
_Wait I, know you don’t_  
_That’s why I, wrote a song_  
_To know_  
_That baby, you float my boat_  
  
Lexa was holding her breath the whole time Clarke noticed and when she ended she let the guitar just fall forward. “You hated it.” She frowned. Lexa’s eyes widened and she took a deep breath.  
  
“I fucking love it Clarke. I don’t know what to say. You—your voice is amazing. You’re so amazing.” Lexa gushed and she captured Clarke’s lips in a hard kiss, pulling the blonde into her by putting both hands on her neck. Clarke gasped into her mouth as she tried kissing back but Lexa was crying now and just pressing kisses to her lips one after the other. Clarke couldn’t stop her giggle at her antics.  
  
“Lexa Lexa okay! Let me breathe!” She laughed trying to pull away but Lexa’s grip tightened and she just hugged the blonde to her chest.  
  
“Clarke—nobody’s ever—sang to me.” Lexa said between tears and kisses to her head. Clarke felt herself melting over Lexa’s attention and she was so glad she’d decided to write it for her. She felt like the words perfectly described how she felt about the girl in a low key way. Clarke knew Lexa obviously hadn’t told her she’d ‘changed her life’ but she knew that this was the start of something new for both of them. It was the beginning of a new slate of happiness for Lexa and she hoped she could stick around to make it real for her.  
  
“You’re the amazing one Lexa and I just want you to know it. I’ll make sure you know it every day for as long as you’ll have me.” Clarke told her, stealing a chaste kiss on her lips. _Everything is falling into place,_ she thought happily as Lexa smiled the first real, true smile at her.


End file.
